The Asshole

It's been a long time since I've felt like beating the shit out of someone. So long, in fact, that I can't- oh, James. Okay, other than- oh, what, Peter. Right, so I tend to want to beat the shit out of guys who try to (and sometimes successfully) steal my girlfriend.

But last night was different. Last night there was just a guy who needed to be put down. So we're at the bar playing a round of pool and there was this cocky, loud, obnoxious, drunk-off-his-ass dickfaucet (sub-note, when in doubt, dick-noun is a safe and often hilarious insult). Now, I suppose everything does swing around and be about women because he would be a harmless asshole if it wasn't for the girl he was hitting on that was painfully pretty and half his age.

Now, I wish I could say that I did something. In a perfect world, I would fight fire with fire and step in to counter-flirt to which she would instantly recognise my desire to help and divert her attention to me, thus thwarting the advances of creepy old drunk guy and then she would volunteer her number and we could live happily ever after. Plus, I'd be something impractically cool like a jet-fighter pilot as well as a selfless vetrenarian saving kittens in Third World countries. I would obviously be a smart investor and, thus, loaded.

None of that is going to happen. I'm not keen enough for investments, caring enough to care about kittens in Third World countries, well-sighted enough to be a fighter pilot, or suave enough to counter-flirt. I do not have fire to fight fire with. I have water that sticks to familiar rivers.

Anyway, it's not a huge deal. I spent half the night trying to determine if it whether or not she was his unfortunate girlfriend or not (he didn't look twice her age. I only found that out later). Besides, who is actually going to trust that I'd step in to get rid of the asshole. In her mind, it would be, "Great, now there's two assholes." So, what can you do? The only two solutions are 1)beat the living shit out of him, or 2)do nothing. All I needed was a good external excuse...

Oh, I forgot to mention the racism! We were also out with a guy whom I think was Middle Eastern and he and the asshole were playing pool. The guy heads to the bathroom while the asshole - who thought he was the absolute shit at pool - butchered another shot with that terrible bounce-on-one-foot-while-looking-down-your-nose followthrough. Then he asks, "Where is that African?"

Had that not been only halfway through the night, and had I not been the painfully white guy that I am, that would have been my external excuse to take that mother-fucker outside. I don't even care if the guy we were with was African. You've got to know someone pretty fucking well before "that African" becomes an acceptable description.