Running

I used to think that running away was based solely on personal fears; fear of being hurt, foremost. I used to think people would run away because they were scared of something bad happening, which boiled down to them being afraid of risking or committing to something or someone. I used to think that I ran away to protect myself, to let myself heal. But things have changed.

I find now that I've grown older and relationships have become more complicated. While some things get easier, other things get harder. For example, while it may be easier to ask and take a pretty girl out on a date, it is more complicated when it comes to where things are going, how you get along, what your personalities are like. The standard list of adjectives, while still being applicable, is no longer the basis of conduct. A girl can be beautiful, fun, exciting, nerdy, playful, smart, what-have-you, and still somehow lack that intangible force that attracts two people together (or, as seems more often than not these days, one person to another). The same applies to the opposite. A girl can be crazy, indecisive, insecure, secluded, even abusive, and there can still remain something, some intangible something, that grants that girl a special place in our hearts. I digress. Things have changed. Where once I ran to escape somebody, now I run to remove myself. Where once I ran to protect myself, now I run to protect another.

Even still, I wonder if people run away because they are scared for themselves. Perhaps they are scared for someone else. I know I don't mind getting hurt. I'd rather they didn't run away from me. Perhaps I should assume the same about them and stand my ground.

The birds are singing. Time to switch shifts. Dream time.

Ego

I was relieved to find out the other day that my self esteem issues are no more. In the past rejection would lead me to believe there was something the matter with me, something that needed to be corrected. But now i can safely say beyond any doubt that I'm pretty awesome. I'm not the greatest guy in the world, but I'm certainly not the worst.

But what I worry is that I've gone from thinking too little of myself to thinking too much of myself; as if I have all of the answers to everything for everyone. Sure, there are some things like forcing the homeless into employment and putting turnstiles at the LRT stations to more strictly enforce payment and generate revenue, but those are large scale problems that have their own endless subset lists of individual problems, which I'm sure I could deal with in a very stern "fuck you if you don't follow the rules" manner.

However, there are people's personal problems that I seem to think I have the answers to as well. Some people agree with my solutions and some people reject them very strongly. My buddy got a second job as a clerk the other day. Well done. You gotta push through this recession. You can't afford to be picky. In the words of Meat Loaf "You don't have a lot, but it's all that you've got, and you can turn it into more than it seems." It confuses me that some people don't accept this philosophy.

I don't know, there's a time to be picky and there's a time where you need to accept things as they come. For example, 5 years ago you could reject a job because your heart wasn't in it or the money wasn't there. Now, take the fucking job! 2 years ago you could shop around for the right location to live, the right price, the right people. Now, you will live in shit-central with a meth dealer because it's better than being on the street. Six months ago you could go anywhere, see anything, be anyone. You could afford all of that. The world was nothing but possibilities. Now all we have is each other.

But that's just me. I figured it was just normal. Automatic. I understand how people can put their careers ahead of other people. A career can be what defines a person in their eyes. But when the kitchen is out of steak you don't sit there and starve! At least I wouldn't. I suppose some people really like steak...

I've figured it out

Here's the plan:

- Move to a new city
- Reinvent self as non-committal
- Meet nice girl
- Fool her completely into thinking I hate commitment
- Pull a fast one on her and reveal that I want to be committed to her
- Let girl believe that she changed me
- Live happily ever after

Girls, seriously, why should I have to trick you into understanding that I'm a nice guy? Admit it. A guy goes from being non-committal to only wanting to be with you and you think he's amazing and sweet and loving and caring. But as soon as a guy even suggest that he likes commitment you're immediately repulsed!

I've tried being casual. I've tried saying "you know what, whatever happens happens." But when a girl stands up through all of that and is impossible to take your attention off of through not active fault of her own, isn't that a sign that she is special? Isn't that the human version of my storybook plan?

I wish things worked like how they do in the stories. Like "I like you, you like me, let's be together." That was always my favourite story. All the trials in between were created by the union, sure, but they were all solved by devotion and commitment to it. And in the end, everything was always better than before.

Evolution

Humanity is the pinnacle of evolution because under its restraints we can get no higher.

Back to my old life

Ahhh! That's more like it! I felt like I was living someone else's life for a while there, but now it's right back to no one giving a god damn.

Don't get me wrong. I know I have friends that care. But that's just the thing, I've already got friends that care. I've completed all the achievements for best friend. I earned the title. Alex Minions; B.F.A., B.F.F.

Someone dies? I have a best friend to go to. I like someone? I've got a best friend to go to. I had a really good poop? I can tell my best friend about it.

It's not that I don't want to have girls who are friends. Female friends are great when you need womanly advice. But you only ever need womanly advice when either A) trying to get a woman, B) trying to get a woman back, or C) trying to make the woman you have happy. When you want the girl who wants to be friends, what can you really ask from them? You can't ask how to get them because they won't tell you (oh, there is a way). You can't ask them how to get another girl because either A) you don't like the other girl as much but the girl you really like doesn't care that you're interested in someone else, B) you like the other girl but by asking the first girl you tear her feelings apart because she secretly actually likes you, or C) you like the other girl more and the first girl gets angry and jealous. Quite frankly, C is the best, but I don't know if it is a likely possibility. The point is that when I'm friends with a girl and I also like that girl, I want to be with that girl. And sometimes it doesn't work out and that's okay. If we're actually friends, we'll stay actual friends because things could only end mutually.

In my experience, things that end poorly are one sided, and things that end well (end up well), are somewhat mutual. Compatibility issue = still friends. Dumped for someone else = not still friends. It's a pretty easy chart to follow.

See what I mean? Back to my usual self. Sorry I haven't been blogging. :P

The Friend Zone

By popular demand... well, by demand anyway, I'm here to talk about the Friend Zone.

I used to have a really good handle on the Friend Zone. It was bad. It meant you didn't get to have sex with someone and that makes your life miserable because not being allowed to have sex with someone you want to have sex with makes you want to have sex with them even more! And while in the Friend Zone, wanting to have sex even more makes you less likely to actually have sex of any kind because you're so totally fixated on having sex with the person you can't that you miss other people who would have sex with you.

I should clarify before I get too ahead of myself. The Friend Zone is not a social zone where two people are friends. That's just being friends. Now, just being friends is a fuck of a lot different than being just friends. Just being friends means you can joke about boning each other without anyone hoping it could happen. Being just friends means that one party will make comments about the underwear she should buy in a joking fashion while the other party pulls his hair out because comments like that actually do imply sexual relations, which he wants, but the circumstances as clearly defined by the first party clearly state that any physical relations are prohibited from the Friend Zone. In short, being just friends is always one sided. The Friend Zone is one sided.

But perhaps this isn't all bad. If one can triumph through the trials of the Friend Zone, it can reveal under it's agonizing beauty the green hills of Lasting Friendship. However, it could also unearth the molten earth of Jealousy County.

Scenario One. You send recon forces into neighbouring parties. Using the intelligence you have gathered (there are several ways to gather this information) you can determine whether or not your forces would be better used in other area. You pull out your offencive forces from the Friend Zone and leave only your defences there to guard the territory. You enter the neighbouring party with your accumulated forces and begin to build a relationship. The opposing forces of the Friend Zone will hear of the success of your mission and your forces sign a peace treaty. In short, one relationship turns to the Friend Zone, one could find another and still end up with a friend.

Scenario Two. You send recon forces out and start operations in another area. The forces of the Friend Zone catch wind of this and take the opportunity to assault your troops while they are in transport. The Friend Zone converts to Jealousy County and all the opposing forces are devoted to keeping you in. Submission to these forces will be taken as a surrender and the govenor of the Friend Zone will be reinstated promptly. This will leave your forces divided and broken with nothing to show for it

Can you ever leave the Friend Zone?

The answer is yes. You can leave anything you want. It's called a Reverse Blitz. Rather than moving all your troops into a zone quickly, you remove all your troops in the blink of an eye, and nuke the entire zone. As long as all your troops get out, you're no worse off. But you can never regain that territory. It is lost to you. And the consequences can be lasting for the zone as well. Its lands may never be the same again, and perhaps the green hills of Lasting Friendship could be lost forever. Perhaps this could inspire the Friend Zone to rise up tirelessly for ages to come for any other party. Perhaps it will cause the Friend Zone to disband forever and let whatever asshole march in.

The last thing I want to say is about the Third Scenario. What if you stayed in the Friend Zone and fought it with tirelessly? What if you could force the Friend Zone away and form a union between your country and theirs? What if that territory is just worth fighting for?