The Friend Zone

By popular demand... well, by demand anyway, I'm here to talk about the Friend Zone.

I used to have a really good handle on the Friend Zone. It was bad. It meant you didn't get to have sex with someone and that makes your life miserable because not being allowed to have sex with someone you want to have sex with makes you want to have sex with them even more! And while in the Friend Zone, wanting to have sex even more makes you less likely to actually have sex of any kind because you're so totally fixated on having sex with the person you can't that you miss other people who would have sex with you.

I should clarify before I get too ahead of myself. The Friend Zone is not a social zone where two people are friends. That's just being friends. Now, just being friends is a fuck of a lot different than being just friends. Just being friends means you can joke about boning each other without anyone hoping it could happen. Being just friends means that one party will make comments about the underwear she should buy in a joking fashion while the other party pulls his hair out because comments like that actually do imply sexual relations, which he wants, but the circumstances as clearly defined by the first party clearly state that any physical relations are prohibited from the Friend Zone. In short, being just friends is always one sided. The Friend Zone is one sided.

But perhaps this isn't all bad. If one can triumph through the trials of the Friend Zone, it can reveal under it's agonizing beauty the green hills of Lasting Friendship. However, it could also unearth the molten earth of Jealousy County.

Scenario One. You send recon forces into neighbouring parties. Using the intelligence you have gathered (there are several ways to gather this information) you can determine whether or not your forces would be better used in other area. You pull out your offencive forces from the Friend Zone and leave only your defences there to guard the territory. You enter the neighbouring party with your accumulated forces and begin to build a relationship. The opposing forces of the Friend Zone will hear of the success of your mission and your forces sign a peace treaty. In short, one relationship turns to the Friend Zone, one could find another and still end up with a friend.

Scenario Two. You send recon forces out and start operations in another area. The forces of the Friend Zone catch wind of this and take the opportunity to assault your troops while they are in transport. The Friend Zone converts to Jealousy County and all the opposing forces are devoted to keeping you in. Submission to these forces will be taken as a surrender and the govenor of the Friend Zone will be reinstated promptly. This will leave your forces divided and broken with nothing to show for it

Can you ever leave the Friend Zone?

The answer is yes. You can leave anything you want. It's called a Reverse Blitz. Rather than moving all your troops into a zone quickly, you remove all your troops in the blink of an eye, and nuke the entire zone. As long as all your troops get out, you're no worse off. But you can never regain that territory. It is lost to you. And the consequences can be lasting for the zone as well. Its lands may never be the same again, and perhaps the green hills of Lasting Friendship could be lost forever. Perhaps this could inspire the Friend Zone to rise up tirelessly for ages to come for any other party. Perhaps it will cause the Friend Zone to disband forever and let whatever asshole march in.

The last thing I want to say is about the Third Scenario. What if you stayed in the Friend Zone and fought it with tirelessly? What if you could force the Friend Zone away and form a union between your country and theirs? What if that territory is just worth fighting for?