The Food Exchange

Flat out, mega-stores should not sell perishables. This is just ridiculous. You shopping trolley should never contain a mix of fresh fruit and trousers. Wal-mart and Zellers and all those other huge stores that were not created for fresh food sales can go suck a letterbomb (a figure of speech).

The only mega-store that I can accept the sale of perishable foods is Cost-Co, purely by virtue of scale. You cannot buy a single apple. You purchase all perishables in some large quantity. These are utility foods, not personal foods. They feed numbers, not people.

However, single fruits are to serve to individual people. People that are not numbers. Non-numeric people may consume non-numeric quantities of fruit; an apple, or a couple of apples. Maybe even several apples. Not a 10 pound box of apples, nor a fraction there-of.

Now, of course, apples are the smallest of my worries. Apples are built to last. I ate an apple today I stored in my refrigerator for probably 3 weeks. Well done, apple.

Time, however, is less kind on my bananas, my peaches, my mangoes, mushrooms, carrots, peppers, lettuce, etc. These things go bad. They shrivel and mold and leak (the worst of them leak).

Let me get to the point. I want a banana. I may want another banana. I may want a banana tomorrow and Thursday and then again on Saturday. Then again, maybe not. I drive 15 minutes to the Superstore. Do I buy 5 bananas? What if I wanted 6? What if I eat that first banana and my body says, "Alex, your banana quota is filled for the week. Now, bring me an apricot."? Do I tell my body to fuck itself and eat a half dozen bananas because I have them? No.

1) Do not make enemies with your body. It will have it's revenge. See Diets and Exercise.
2) Maybe I'll want bananas in my cereal on Sunday. Wouldn't that suck if I forced myself to eat them all by Saturday?

So what's the problem? Grocery mega-stores. You build them so big that they have to be at least 20km away from one another, which means there is always someone who has to drive a few minutes down the road just to get their goddamn bananas.

I know what you're thinking: "'A few minutes! Wah wah, I want my banana!' Grow a pair, already."

Fuck you.

Either I buy so much that it goes bad, or I'm driving every other day to make $15 purchases and in doing so directly contribute to road traffic and long lines at the grocery store, the very thing all you bitches hate, not to mention the environmental impact that all of you non-bitches are properly concerned about.

I miss the days of the local grocery store. Sure, the selection wasn't great and they were expensive and they cost a bit more, but that's what the Superstores are for: to add the solutions. If you can't find it at your local store (which carries bananas and apples and peaches and mushrooms and not dragonfruit or papayas or plantains or African horned melons...) then you can go look for it at the Superstore.

I hear you guys again: "Why not just have it all at the Superstore and you can go to 7-11 for your bananas?"

First, 7-11 is not a particularly food safe environment. Second, their fruit has 2 moves: apple or banana. I like all of the fruits and vegetables that a normal 5 year old can name. Third, there still isn't a 7-11 within reasonable walking distance for a banana.

Back to my point. By minimizing the "individual fruit/vegetable" sections you expand the diversity of the rest of your store. For example, the Superstore may actually carry some fucking water chestnuts! I can buy a can of pennyworth.... drink (juice?) imported from Thailand that takes like springtime faceplant and that no one has ever heard of, but I can't get a little tin of water fucking chestnuts!

You know those kind of white crispy round deals you find in Asian stir-frys?
Those are water chestnuts.
They are great.

And you know who had them, Superstore? That's right, my goddamn local grocery store.

So what do we get out of it? We get fucked out of water chestnuts, bar soap, and the variety of deodorant that pretty girl told you she liked! Although I probably can't blame that last one on the grocery store.