Okay, I probably am racist

I was watching videos on the internet about why science is important, and I realized that I drew a very unscientific conclusion. After all, correlation does not imply causation. There were quite a number of variables to consider. First of all, the sample size of "people who have been working in my house" is rather narrow. In fact, for my argument, I can think of no one that I have actually witnessed working in my grandparents' home while I was the only one there. This reduces my sample size to 2. There is a good likelihood that only one of them stole it, which means logically the groups of people that are open to discrimination are men, women, Mexicans, cleaning people, people that work in uniform, people that are older than me, and a vast number of other minor descriptors that could be used to separate these people from other people.

So, I apologize to Mexico. But if you could, try and impose some shame on those cleaners. They're giving people the wrong idea.

I'm not racist

But seriously, guys, if you want to break stereotypes, stop FUCKING STEALING SHIT!

So, the other day I got my carpets cleaned. I moved all the furniture into the other room so the floors were open. On one of the desks was an little angel statue with a ring sitting on top of its head. These were two of the artifacts left over from past girlfriends.

I sat in the kitchen and let them do their shit. They finish the job and go home. I think 'great, that just cost $200 for an hour's worth of work. I wish I could get paid $100 an hour, especially in this economic state. I'm glad they're doing well for themselves, though.'

Not well enough.

I'll cut to the chase.

Those Mexican cunts stole my ring. Something that meant a lot to me and will probably make them $20. Fucking shit-eating dick-swallowing Mexicans. I swear to God. This is how this shit happens.

Although, maybe it's carpet cleaners in general. Next time, I'm getting fucking white people and we'll see how that goes.

How about that

I was reading this story on the internet:

"Meet Vince Shlomi. He's probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room."

Huh.

I didn't know he sold food processors.

Good vs Evil Pt.2

I figured out my disguise. I'm a sweet, sensitive guy that wants to settle down and have kids. I want to raise them to be just like me. I want to be a large part of their lives. This does not seem to be a typically devilish plan.

For my entire life I have not resembled my siblings. I have figured out that it is because I was substituted in for the child that was supposed to be born. Not exactly an easy task, I assume. Therefore, my drive to have children is merely the set up for a brilliant plan. By having children I will open a gateway for more of the Devil's agents to enter this world. Not only is it not the will of God that drives me to want to procreate, but it is actually subverting God's will.


I'm getting kind of bored of this whole story. I know it's probably just a series of things going wrong, but I like having reasons.
'Things suck 'cause they do' isn't the most comforting conclusion even if it is the most accurate.

Good vs Evil

This old question has a fairly obvious answer: be good. Always choose good over evil if you are conflicted. But I think this only counts if you're in the middle.

I have recently discovered that I am not in the middle. I've suspected it for a long time, but it is now quite obvious that I was, in fact, created as an agent of evil. So my question now is this: Is it better to defect from evil and throw my self at the mercy of good, or do I obey my nature and continue this path of evil?

Let me clarify. I don't eat babies. I don't murder baby animals for sport. I pretty much steer clear of the whole harming infants scene. However, I do seem to have a tendency to corrupt women; God's women. Not on a mass scale, mind you, but more like a secret agent hidden under the disguise of good.

Recently, God has shown me just how mad at me he is. To say the least, it's a doozy. So, can I really expect Him to forgive me? And if so, won't the Devil be equally pissed? Even if it could happen, I'd have to keep my nose pretty fucking clean to avoid certain rapture. If I were to be cast from under the wing of God, I'm sure the Devil would no longer employ my service, but submit me to eternal torture of the most terrible calibre.

Then, on the other hand, whose to say that a lifetime of servitude will reward me pardon from the eternal torment of hell?

Tough call.

The Big Bang Theory

Okay, so I've heard varying opinions on this show and I figured it was high time I gave it a try.


I hate jumping into the middle of things, so I started at the beginning with the pilot which my best mate absolutely hated. And I concur. It was entirely too convoluted. Much of the science (which seems to be the big selling point to what I assume are non-scientists that want to look smart when they laugh at the "jokes") is taken way too far. Sheldon, the tall, skinny, socially inept "nerd," tends to spend most of his time expressing the logic inadequacy of human social interaction. In other words, he's a twat. I understand that his role is to hamper the honest main character, Leonard, but the secondary characters Howard (a self professed intellectual/loverboy) and Raj (who can't talk to girls).

Howard and Raj, the secondary characters, although extreme representations of actual personality types, are acceptable as over-the-top backup characters. Sheldon, however, appears to be entirely asexual, meaning that his interactions with Penny (the fulcrum of the story, God help us) are distant and standoffish. Furthermore, his interactions with his roommate begs the question why these two are even friends. I understand that Leonard needs friends. Howard is a total loser, but he brings a popular order of fun to the table (World of Warcraft, DDR, etc.). Raj is a down-to-earth friend to Leonard who, like many nerds, feels (and in this case physically is to make a point) unable to talk to girls (however, this fact is belaboured by reiteration). Leonard needs these friends. Sheldon, on the other hand, irritates Leonard and is the root of activities which Leonard is ashamed to admit that he participates in (if this was gay sex it would explain everything, not to mention make this show worth watching).

I may come back to Sheldon. He really bothers me.

Leonard seems to be trapped between a realistic portrayal of science fiction oriented intellectual and the description of "nerd" as presented by a wannabe frat boy that never made it into science or sports who just happened to open that science textbook under his can of Bud Light. He draws constant scientific analogies making sure to clearly state the discoverer of a particular theorem, he uses a lightsaber as a weapon and a flashlight, he plays Klingon Boggle, and is shy around the word "sex" but not the concept of copulation. This could easily be rectified if he showed the audience that he understood that his discourse with Penny, when scientifically charged and irrelevant, was inappropriate; just little asides from time to time: "Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle? Really?!" After all, he is supposed to have slightly better social skills than Sheldon.

The quick fix to Leonard and Sheldon is that they have to make science jokes for each other, not for the audience (who I promise don't get it... because there is nothing to get. Seriously, it's like,

"Rutherford's gold foil experiment?! I remember that shit from high school, dude! Ha ha! Funny funny shit, man..."
"He was talking about laundry."
"Yeah, but Rutherford... it's, heh, funny. Right?"

No, it's not fucking funny!). People that are actually scientifically inclined will make jokes that other people won't get. And here's the kicker: the characters have to laugh, not the laugh track. Science is rarely situationally funny; it is implicitly funny.

But back to the characters. Penny! What's her deal? "Ha ha, just ignore the big words... Keep smiling and wear low cut shirts and everyone will like me!" Seriously, girl. You don't need to have a Ph.D. but show a little bit of intelligence. What she needs to overlook is that Leonard and Sheldon don't understand how to carry out a normal conversation with a girl, not overlook their intelligence. When they get talking science, she doesn't need to pretend it's not happening, she needs to bring the boys back to normal conversation... exactly like that: "Boys! *hand lowers from eye level to chin level* Let's bring it back down to here, okay?" And then Leonard can smarten the fuck up and talk to her like a normal person.

I've blended the first episode into the second, so I'll make my distinction here. Episode 2 was less bad. I still didn't like it, but it wasn't near the total car crash that was the pilot (who produced that shit?!). It looks like maybe it will pick up a bit, but I have two major problems so far (besides the premise, characters, inapproprite gender representation and stereotypes, and the tasteless use of stereotypes of intellectuals... I don't have a list, but I should):

1. The intro. Jesus Christ is it bad. The flashy images don't even come close to matching the tempo of the music and is that Ed from BNL singing? Steven Page went to jail for possession of cocaine, but Ed truly sullied the name of the Barenaked Ladies if that's him.
2. The absolute crap commercial break CG atom thing. What the fuck is that? And what the fuck is this, the 1980s Lite? If you're going to tell me when a commercial is coming, at least have a member of the cast introduce the sponsors. Or, you know, fade to black like every normal fucking person! It's the little things.
3. I'm taking it one more subconcious level. Music. Where is it? It's distractingly absent. Listen to a show like Friends one time. When there is a scene change, there is a little music clip that automaticaly sets the mood. In fact, most every memorable TV series has some sort of music that is integrated into the show. Obviously the theme song is the bread in an awesome sandwich, but when you eat it (and thus actually enjoy it and digest it) the bread mixes with the meat of the sandwich and all the other necessary components. The Big Bang Theory is like a fiberglass sandwich and the music is the drywall that keeps it together. I suppose it keeps the network comfortable, but it does not feed the audience. I, for one, am hungry for entertainment.

(I know, it looks like 3 points, but my problems were really music and post-processing. Two problems, three examples.)

Creeping

It is so much harder to do when your intent is honest.

And to think that once I found out a girl's name, address, probable vehicle colour all from a phone number I found on the ground once. Now all I have is a name and I can't seem to find her. All I want to do is talk to her; maybe find out why she's been gone.

But I guess in today's society we just can't take the chance that good people are out there.

I know what you're thinking

Breakfast? Seriously? Where are your priorities?

I will show you my priorities.

CP

No, I'm supposed to open at once.

Hats

I wanted to get a picture for you, but I took a picture of the girl by the ghost stairs instead. Then the guys actually accused me of taking a picture of them. Them, whom this post is about, were sterling examples of how and how not to wear a hat.

The man closest to me chose to wear the hat on his head in the traditional manner. The man to his right chose to wear the hat 4 inches above his head in what may be an 'I don't care what you think' fashion which, in my opinion, conveys strong the message of 'I'm a twat.'

Once I figure out how to send myself pictures (and if it is covered in my contract*) I will upload the ghost stairs picture.


*When attempting to send picture my phone asks me to register. The message is as follows:

If your account is unused for 30 days, Bell Mobility may delete images stored using this service. By sending this message you agree to the

• Accept
• Decline

Agree to the.... agree to the.... Maybe I'll hold off on sending pictures.

Oh God!

"it's my girlfriend and I's 4 year anniversary in a couple of weeks."

I's is not even close to a word.

yes, I am the punctuation police, the grammar gestapo, the vigilante of verbiage and so on.

I'm no expert...

So, I'm reading this article on legalizing marijuana and I don't think people have thought this one through very much.

First of all, I wouldn't consider Mexicans that sell weed a "cartel." Sure, you might seize a million pounds a year in a single state. If that's what you seized, how much pot do you think the Mexicans are bringing over? They'd have to be driving semi-trucks across the border full of marijuana. And for that kind of transportation, you'd have to be making a lot of trips to make it profitable. We're talking weekly deliveries. We're talking similar to large grocery stores. If this is the case, then sure, I can see one needing a cartel to keep that connected and running smoothly. But why not then do something radical like don't let the trucks full of drugs into the country! I know that you can't stop and search every truck that drives up from Mexico, but you can! How many truckfuls of Mexican produce come up every day? Can you really not tell whose camper is full of weed? It's the one with the leaves sticking out from under the big canvas tarp! As a guy who knows nothing about obtaining drugs, I still understand that weed is cheap. Kids buy it. I also understand that gasoline is not. So you have to transport a shit-ton of weed from Mexico to the US to make the distribution of it profitable. You have to have a warehouse to store it and distribute it to the dealers and the dealers have to travel from the warehouse (unless you make your truck make multiple deliveries which can generate suspicion and cost a lot in fuel). Then the warehouse takes and cut and the dealers take their cuts and the drivers take cuts... This isn't a lucrative sale. This is a promotional sale. This is the product that gets people to shop with you until they find the big ticket items. But being in a cartel is about not being known by the consumer (lest you be known by the police). However, if th cartel does use inexpensive weed as a segue into the harder, more profitable drugs a) don't lie to us and say that marijuana trafficking is a lucrative cartel-worthy business, and b) oh wait, you have to lie because if you said it was a way of getting kids started then legalizing it wouldn't be a solution and if you legalized one drug you would have to legalize them all.

The other thing no one considers is that illegality is the alure of drugs. It is an act of rebellion, and if the government says, "toke away, kids!" the kids would not oblige.

I gotta roll on out, but think about it.

Not enough of this

Fatherhood, The New Cycle, and Unbalanced Skills

I'm not going to make a very good dad.

Sure, I'll be great when my kids are growing up, but as soon as girls enter their heads, I'm hosed. You see, I have fallen out of the old cycle and into the new cycle of gender relationships. In the old cycle, the women wanted to get married and have children and men wanted to rich and successful. The man that every girl wanted was the one that shared the girls' interests which, at the time, involved family. The rule still applies today, only girls want different things. Maybe they caught on that men were being raised to be loving, caring, and sensitive and didn't want to let things be easy for them. So, as a collective, women decided that the important things in their lives would be having a career (nothing wrong with that) and not having a family (something wrong with that).

I'll explain that last pointed remark. You're you, yeah? You like you, don't you? You wouldn't be you if you didn't exist. You wouldn't exist without being born. You wouldn't be born if you didn't have parents. Your parents wouldn't have been born without their parents. In fact, 100% of the human population that has ever lived is a result of a very long tradition of having a family. Everything in the world exists as a direct result of having a family (for without family, there would be no you or me, and without us, who would there be to enjoy the world? Not to mention there would be a severe deficiency of electric guitars). In short, my argument is that you're awesome and I want to keep the awesome train rolling.

But back to the point. Women want different things. I, however, have been equipped for the old cycle. My skills and interests include cooking, doing dishes, sewing, fixing things, appreciating loved ones, building sand castles, having children and a family that I will love the way my family has loved me. These are things I like because these are the things my dad likes/does. The things I do not like and do not want to do: dancing, going to clubs, "seeing the world before I'm 25", being the right balance of asshole to keep a girl interested, living only for myself... I'll explain all of these:

1. Dancing. I rarely fall down. I run down steep rocky terrain for fun. I can navigate the iciest streets without losing my cool. If I had to choose between being able to command my feet to move in an attractive fashion to the sound of music or be able to trust my feet never to let me down (ba-dum tish), I would choose, and have chosen, the latter. I like listening to music, but it doesn't make me want to wave my arms in the air like I just don't care. I do care. I reserve grace for preventing personal injury, not for wooing girls (though, if I had known it would be such a big thing, I probably would have traded. Somehow girls can adore a klutz that can shake it on the dancefloor, but a man that you can trust will never let you fall in the icy streets isn't worth a second glance.)
2. Going to clubs. It's like drill camp for beginner dancers. Here's a beat. Dance. Do it. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. I don't know where the line is between doing the same move over and over again and acting like you're having a seizure is. Yeah, I know, no one cares how you look. But if you were to, say, trip up the stairs at school, no one would care. You'd still be embarrassed. Club logic fails. Also, you can't get to know someone at a club further than the observation of how she acts at a club.
3. Seeing the world before I'm 25. I'm 22. I have $600 to my name. So, first of all, I can't afford it, and would rather save for a house or a car than say, "I saw Thailand, too!" Not to mention the fact that there is so much to experience at home. What about love and making a place you call home? What happened to finding your place in the world? Why do we feel the need to travel to places with big spiders when you could vacation in Europe occasionally when you're 40? 40, when you can afford a nice meal, a decent hotel, maybe rent a car and see the world on your terms. Sure, you have to come back to your job and the real world, but look at it this way: you come back to a job and the real world. That's called security. I've never understood peoples' fear of security.
4. Asshole. I'll never get it. Sometimes I hate clichés, but when it comes to nice guys and women, they are all so very true.
5. Living for myself. I've never been good at this. Living for me is what I call surviving. Getting by. What's the point of being happy alone? You will die and your happiness will die with you. Your existence on Earth is a moot point unless you do something that benefits all of mankind. If you don't make it into a grade school history textbook, your contribution to society could have been made by any one else. This is sounding very bleak, but that's what I imagine life alone to be. Where's your mark? If you love, you leave your impression on the world with the person you love. If you have children, you live forever through your lineage. Your importance to the world grows exponentially as your children love and your children's children love. So it's not me that is important. It is the person I love that is important. She is worth going to work each day for. She is worth eating properly. She is worth exercise and everything else I "should do for me." If my life doesn't affect anyone, why should I take care of myself? I'm going to end up in the same place.

Where was I? Oh yes, skills. I have husband skills (not to be confused with husbandry, of which I know little). I don't have... uh, attract the ladies skills. It's like being a fully licensed scuba diving deep sea treasure hunter without knowing how to swim. Once I'm down there scubaing I'm okay. It's just getting there that's the problem.

And with absolutely no knowledge or advice in the "be a dick, learn to dance, see the world, don't have a family" department, I'm really not going to be able to equip my kids with the tools to attract girls. I really hope girls change in their 30s.

Maybe if all my children were girls I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Loblaws Hates America

Well, Canada, too. Down at the booze-office we've had our hours cut substantially due to the recession. Though I can't help but notice that rather than people buying less food and alcohol, they are actually buying more. The store is busier than ever. This is because middle aged people with real jobs understand that they might not be making as much and so food is more necessary than other things (the booze helps to forget).
I also went to the movies the other day. The Watchmen. Friday night. Opening weekend. Half a theatre. HALF! There hasn't been a movie worth seeing in 3 months and only half a theatre can be bothered to go see this one?
It is, you see, young people who go to see movies. It is young people who spend their money on on frivolous entertainment; the very foundation of the American economy. These young people work for The Man who is tightening his belt to keep his pants up against the weight of his wallet.

Loblaws can obviously afford to pay us more, but corporate greed keeps the money concentrated in a small few's hands. This is why we're in a recession. It's ironic how big business is the thing which America prides itself the most on while it simultaneously is the only thing that can bring it down.

So, dear Man, give the kids some money and restore the economy.

Pro-Meat is Pro-Life

I don't think animal rights activists really get it sometimes. Like any good cause, there are some people that take it too far. I think that people that want to have humanity abandon their meat-eating ways don't quite understand what they're asking.

Most livestock isn't bred for its resilience in the natural world. Cows specifically have a difficult time not being eaten, whether it be by people or by wild animals. It is, in fact, people that keep cows alive by protecting them from the real world. Sure, it's just so we can murder them later, but at least they get to live their lives. Cows would soon become extinct if they were abandoned as livestock because they no longer fit into the outside eco-system.

Yes, cows were at one point capable of surviving the wild. But so were people. People wouldn't last a week in the wild without technology. What about those survival guys on the Discovery Channel, you ask? One word: Gortex. Just because they don't have an SUV doesn't mean they are separate from technology. Man would die without shelter, clothing and weapons. Cows would die without fences.

Things do, however, need to change. Just because the purpose of breeding cows is to eat doesn't mean that they should suffer in feed lots. At least try and simulate a naturally safe world. This is what we should be striving for. As for all of you hardcore "meat is murder" people, just be thankful that we don't domesticate more animals to eat. We totally could.

Drinking

it doesn't make it better.

Kissin' in the movies

I haven't been out to a movie in a really long time and it seems to me that they haven't really changed that much. Okay, so they are a lot more open about epic blue wangs (it's a good thing. not that I like looking at male genitals, but I feel if we're going to show tits whenever we get the chance, we might as well show a naked dude in all of his nudity, especially when it makes a point).

So, I watched the Watchmen, obviously, and there was a rather gratuitous sex scene. I mean, the sex was important, but that much was unnecessary. And I think something changed inside of me. I was disinterested in the sex. Sex is... obvious. Blatant. Obtuse, even. What I was interested in was the kissin'.

I don't think people understand what a kiss is anymore. Kisses can mean nothing these days. I'm not saying that kissing is a contract, but it still has meaning/value.

I suppose what bothers me the most is one sided kisses; kisses where it means something to one, but is merely went along with by the other. But this never happens in the movies. Kisses are passionate and important, and if not, both parties know full well that the kiss was unwarranted and, more importantly, unappreciated.

So why do we need the sex scene? If a kiss is valuable enough to show passion and emotion, why do we need a 3 minute scene that shows two people boning?

Maybe I'm getting old is all. Maybe I'm becoming a prude. Maybe it's that I miss those kisses and their meaning. Maybe I miss those baby steps that build to something wonderful.

Exorcise equipment

1. The body of something once breathing
   
2. Salt
   
3. Alcohol
4. Rainwater
5. Infra-red radiation
   
6. At least two of the following pieces of a woman:
• Eyes
• Heart
• Hands
• Lips
• Skin
  
7. Strings
8. Brass
9. Time
   
10. An angel
11. A friend