Discrimiantion

I don't know if I've already gone off about this before or not, but I'm going to go off on it again!

They say you can't judge a book by its cover, and with this I mostly agree. More accurately, this phrase should be "you can't judge a book by it's cover material." Because let's face it, if you picked up a black leather-bound book that read "Titwick and the Garden of Feelinghood" you would be more than inclined to have a peek and almost guaranteed not to buy that book. Just the same, if there was a nice hardcover titled "Your Inner Tiger" you would ignore the book altogether for being lame. And we all know some of the cheap old paperbacks are where the good shit is at (and yes, a substantial amount of garbage). This is the metaphor for opposing racism and sexism and other visual-isms. They say not to be discriminatory.

But discrimination is key to our very survival. We discriminate against panthers for being ferocious, but we like kitties. We discriminate against rapists, but love lovers. Yes, there is a big fucking difference, thanks for pointing that out. There is also a difference between cool people and douchewads. So, while you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover [material] (but, hey, you can do whatever the fuck you want), you can judge a book by it's preface. If you hate a book by the preface, you are entitled to put that book down and say "that was dumb". If a jerk is a jerk, you call them a jerk. I don't care if they're black or a girl or handicapped or poor or what. Jerks are jerks. If they're going to be jerks then don't tell people they're okay. They don't to be given your chance. They've been given chances not to be jerks to thousands of people. They need to just stop being jerks.

People I Hate Part 10

Hipsters.

I hate hipsters so much that it puts World War 2 into a whole new perspective. Just replace "Jew" with "Hipster" and I'm pretty much on board.




The real problem is, it's only going to get worse. We're losing the war here, cool 90's kids. Kids these days just don't understand that no amount of consumer whoring (and yes, when you only buy organic foods and fair trade coffee, you're still a consumer whore since a. those are niche markets that exist because hipsters are willing to pay through the nose for the social stigma and b. you still wear $300 of trendy brand name clothes) is going to make you an awesome person. You've gotta be awesome all on your own. That's what makes a timeless good dude.

My message to the kids today is this: The funkiest disco king is now your orthodontist.

People I Hate Part 8

Motherfuckers.

Sorry, I just needed to get that out there. The motherfuckers I'm talking about specifically today are petty thieves.

It's one thing when the natives come in and try to swipe a bottle of rye because they can't afford to pay for it because- nevermind. I'm not trying to pick on the natives here. Maybe it's racist, but when a trashy native comes in to steal from me, I expect it. It's a game. Hell, even when white bums come in to steal from me, I get it; they're homeless. When you don't have much in this world and you drift from fix to fix, I understand that it's hard to get out of that cycle. It's hard to clean up, sober up, and become a functioning member of society (again).

What really pisses me off is when motherfuckers come in to steal when they already have shit. When black kids come in with their hundred dollar jeans, designer oversized t-shirts, likely uncomfortable unbroken but most certainly overpriced hats tilted to a superfluous angle... when they come in and feel like they are entitled to take a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff (grow at least one testicle) it sends me into a self righteous rage. I used the black kids as an example that has happened to me in the past. But, again, I'm not trying to pick on the black kids. Half of them are on the level. A more recent account is when a disgusting middle aged white trash motherfucker came in yesterday and tried to steal a bottle of Captain Morgan's... that was on sale.

This motherfucker not only put the bottle down his pants (inside his underwear, no less.... what a fucking asshole) while on a camera that displayed on the sales floor, but also didn't do a very good job because I could see the fucking bottle through his shirt. The cherry on top? Motherfucker was talking on his cell phone.

Just who the fuck does he think he is?! You can afford that shit and it's on sale. What a motherfucker....

People I Hate Part 5

People who say "Ciao!"

Go fuck yourselves.

You're not Italian, and you sure as shit don't actually speak fucking Italian, so get off your high horse, tone down the pomposity, and stop acting like you're so fucking worldly because you say goodbye the way the Italians do!

After a little wiki-research I have found that a number of cultures use a similar sounding word to say goodbye, but it still doesn't make you fucking worldly! Just because you've been somewhere doesn't mean you're suddenly a part of that culture. You're still a North American, and your still an asshole.

In fact, the part that makes you an asshole is that everybody fucking does it. "Ciao" is so prevalent in our society that some sources would say that the word has been adopted into the English language, and that pisses me off.

I'm not afraid to be proud and say that we have a culture! We have a great number and variety of ways to say goodbye! We say goodbye, later, see ya, so long, talk to you later, peace, catch you on the flip side, and an incredible variety of deviations within that small list (see "catch you on the flippy floppy"). Ciao is not our word.

And if you are going to steal a parting phrase from another language, then pick something original! If someone said "auf wiedersehen" before they hung up, I'd let it go. I might even find the novelty entertaining! But seriously, "Ciao" has about as much novelty as Nicholas Cage.

I fucking bet Nick Cage says "ciao."

Big Brother Needs To Get To Work

I'm sick of this shit, guys. People can trace my IP, copy my debit card, and find my name, address, and phone number all without any trouble. The police have me on record for my heinous exiting my old high school after lunch break. The system has a credit history on me a mile long (that's the system, not just the bank). I have folders in different medical facilities that contain my medical history and information. But despite all this, Alberta Education doesn't have my grades.

I've got an Alberta Education number! I've taken my tests and I was assured that they were taken to our provincial capital for review. I attended a university inside the province. On top of that, I sent all of my information to Mount Royal the first time I applied! So here is my question:
Why is it so goddamn hard for post-secondary institutions to just look up all my information their goddamn selves?

My argument can be broken down into three simple arguments:

1. My information exists somewhere. Just link it all to my Alberta Education number. I can get all my transcripts sent anywhere I want from that anyway (it just costs me money)
2. Everyone else has me on file in some way. Safeway keeps track of how many bags of corn chips I eat per week, and the government can't keep track of sum of my educational achievement expressed simply as single page of grades?
3. a) How can an accredited institution such as MRU or UofC not be trusted with access to view my grades, and b) even if they can't be trusted, what malicious acts could they commit with knowing numbers of things that I did once? What? Are they going to feloniously report my aptitude?
4. (Bonus argument) They don't even accept a transcript that I give them! They need to get the information directly from my previous post-secondary institution- correction: They need to get me to get them the information directly from my previous post-secondary institution.

In conclusion, I'm sick of educational institutions that clearly recognize each other who refuse to communicate with each other independently. It's as if they make all the hoop jumping mandatory to prove that you're devoted to going to school. As if the application fees aren't enough to prove we're serious, we've also done post-secondary before and aren't shitheads fresh out of high school, but we're still harassed the most.

Thanks for making my continued education easier, Alberta. I'll be sure to try to find work in BC.

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I'm tired of people ragging on Canada and the Olympic organizers for everything that goes wrong. "Their opening ceremony hydraulics didn't work and that one arm didn't go up!" Guess what? It's fucking Canada. It's cold. Things break. It worked a hundred times before when they were testing it, but on that night it didn't work. Grow up and move on.

"They should have moved the pillars!"
"They should have put in a wall!"
"They shouldn't make the luge track so fast!"
"They shouldn't even have pillars!"
"They should just make a track that you can't get hurt on!"

Shut the fuck up. Seriously. An athlete died. You don't know him. You never even knew his fucking name before he died. Hell you, wouldn't know his name if he hadn't died. He could have won the Gold Medal and you wouldn't remember his name two weeks after the event. It's hard, but that's the fucking truth.

I'm not saying it isn't sad; it is sad. I'm saying that all these people are picking their battles and they're picking the wrong ones. People die in accidents all the time. People die in war even more. And still even more people die from preventable diseases when they have no access to treatment. So who is the bad guy? The Vancouver Olympic construction and engineering team for their malicious use of pillars, or you for not giving a shit about thousands of lives you could save if you bought your purse at Sears instead of Loius Vuitton and donated the difference to a worthy cause.

Self-righteous? You betcha. But I'm not the one pointing the finger of blame when it comes to an accident.

Yes, it's sad that he died. If it had been some kid who thought he was the shit and died sledding down a hill and hit a lightpost, we would laugh and say that he got what was coming to him. The difference is that we told him to do it. We dared him. We egged him on. Maybe we're the ones responsible for his death and that's such a bitter pill to swallow that we keep looking for someone to blame.

Never Like Anyone

This is how misogynistic men are born. Never like anyone because they'll just as soon turn their back on you as look at you. That's right, one minute they're ready to leap into be with you and the next minute they wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. Maybe it's their "whimsical gender," or maybe it's all part of a grand scheme.
I, for one, am fucking sick of it, and I think I'm becoming something that I once hated. But that's the way life goes sometimes. Things change, people change, times change, and before you know it, you change too.

Right of Way

I don't mind the guy who didn't slow down for my while I was crossing the street. I don't mind the guy who zips just past me as I'm stepping up on the curb. I don't mind the guy who pulls into the intersection while I'm crossing to save his spot. What I do mind is the guy who stopped at the stop sign for me, waited until I was almost across the street, then decided to drive directly towards me anyway. Let me draw you a very shitty diagram.
Seriously. He waited until I was almost finished and then accelerated directly toward me. A half a stride behind and he would have hit me. Some people are just plain motherfuckers.

Layout Problems

Why is "Add to Dictionary" the option right by the suggested spelling when you misspell something?

Now "percipitate" is my my dictionary as the most common misspelling of "precipitate" and I don't know how to purge my dictionary of accidentally misspelled words.

I'll be just another asshole who doesn't bother to spellcheck his shit.

Yeah, you saw that movie... like a champ!

Keep up the fuckin' nice work.

Too Rich

I have three fundamental problems with leaf blowers.

1. Protection. Okay, so you have hearing protection. What about me? I'm outside too! Where once there were the sounds of the birds in the trees and the gentle breeze rustling the leaves, nature's beauteous splendour ev- b'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBWRRRRRRRR-RWRRRRRRRRRRWRBRRRRRRRRRRRRR-RRRRRRRBRRWRRRRWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBR-RRRRRWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrwrrrrrbrrrrrrr!
- of life so peaceful.

Sorry, what was that?

2. Effectiveness. So the basic premise is that you blow the leaves onto someone else's property, right? Seems like it's not -

Motherfucker!

- air turbulence, right?

3. Cost.

-OR-

What's the fucking point?

The Illusion of Choice

I was playing Ultimate Alliance 2 with TK the other day and I've come to fully realize how black and white that game is. To a certain extent, it offends me.

If I wanted a someone to tell me what to think, I'd watch FOX News. I would hope that intelligent video game designers would have a better understanding of moral ambiguity. Although it may make for a more linear storyline, I hate when you're given a supposed "moral choice" only to be crowbarred back into the main story for Act III.

In UA2, you choose either Pro-Regulation or Anti-Regulation in a so-called modern civil war. In truth, your options are very clearly douchebaggery or the American Dream, respectively. Though the choice of obeying possibly questionable governmental laws versus violently rebelling in order to remain unidentified is very clearly ambiguous, the character dialogue makes for a very obvious dichotomy of right and wrong. The Pro-Regs are evil, and once you are "shown the folley of their ways" you are railroaded back onto the path of the righteous.

To put it another way, there is a game about Anti-Regulation with the option of playing as the bad guys for a few levels.

Why can't your choices ever matter? So many games have this "choice" feature that is as superfluous as the "customize" feature. Take Fallout 3, for example. You choose your gender and race free of any social persecution (for a world based off the 50s, that seems... inaccurate). You get down to choose every little detail right down to the width of the bridge of your nose. Of course, you cannot change height, weight, or any other physical feature of your character, but, hey, making a scale function in two dimensions is incredibly... uh, easy, actually. But I digress. The fact of the matter is the customization process has no effect on gameplay and neither does your "Karma." If you're bad, the good guys try to kill you. If you're good, the bad guys try to kill you. The townspeople act the same, Raiders will always attack, Mutants will always attack, the Enclave will always be your enemy. Nothing you choose changes anything. I understand that something like that becomes immensely complex, but for something like UA2, why not play out the ramifications of Pro-Reg winning?

To voice this argument another way, and to reference Zack's latest post, if an element is unneccesary, why have it? If the choice of good or evil doesn't change anything, who cares? If you can't join the Empire, why join the Dark Side? That would be like Luke doing everything Vader told him, but he still has to blow up the Death Star in the end.

As I said before, I understand that an impactful choice system exponentially complexifies a game. It's like having to design multiple games in one and weave them all together. It's hard work. But so is realistic physics, dynamic ambient light, interactive environments, multiple character choices, Co-op modes, user designed levels... the list goes on about features of a game that make it harder to make. But designers work on them and do them well. So why don't designers put that kind of effort into the "choice" feature?

Words and Sounds

As a general rule of thumb, I believe that it is discourteous to produce a sound from your mouth that cannot be spelt.

T'ch is the best facsimile I can use to describe the sound that this girl consistently makes after every mouthful of food she packs into her gob as well as every time she talks, which is entirely too often. It's as if there is residual food in her mouth that she takes every opportunity to suck down. Maybe the noise knocks it loose.

Marvel Decent Alliance 2

I haven't rage quit in a while, but UA2 finally did me in.

Who ever thought quicktime events were a good idea? Worse, who thought quicktime events with motion sensors was a good idea? Furthermore, who thought quicktime events with motion sensors and random windows of opportunity so that you never know if you didn't move it the right way or if you were too slow or too fast or if it didn't respond of you're not moving it enough or you're moving it too much or....

You get where I'm going. Beyond that, this game is about as balanced as a Globetrotters/Local Junior High Basketball team mash up. On the one side you have Wolverine, and on the other side you have... everyone else. Wolverine regerates health, causes the most damage, thus kills the most things, thus gets the most xp thus us the strongest character in the party. He's a freight train that never stops. Most of the boss fights include me trying to play my party and having all of them get gang raped because the computer knows who you are and that you'd be pissed if your AI got killed on their own until I'm finally left with Wolverine who runs around and murders everything. Though I wouldn't run into this problem if the AI did something when I was being attacked. But their survival strategy revolves around staying out of the way and not attacking anything.

Here's an example. I put Storm on my team because The Thing got himself killed. I thought that Wolverine could get in there and take the hits while Storm cast down lightning for the back. In the entire duration of a boss fight I saw her use lightning never! Not once! I took control and took down the bosses zipping around the room in 2 minutes. You know what moves I used? Lightning. It's almost as if they are worried that they will run out of power for a time when they'll really need them. Like when we're fighting one single trash mob. It seems like everyone is all over their powers then.

Needless to say, this game is one to save for the never that I will have someone else to play it with. At least I have Arkham Asylum.

Old People

I know I'm about to sound like "kids these days," but fucking old people.

Seriously, I know that you're old and all, but I don't think we should stand up for their shit any longer. I have places to be and things to do. Life moves fast, and while some things are meant to be enjoyed, some things are meant to get fucking done.

They always say that they were like us when they were young, and that they reached a certain age where they realized none of that matters and that you have to enjoy the little things in life; take your time, no hurry, you'll get there when you get there.

Well I won't fucking get there unless you hurry your old ass up. The reason things don't matter at your age is because you're retired. If lunch takes you all day, what did you miss? Nothing! I have half an hour for lunch and I don't want to spend half of it standing behind you because you can't decide whether you want Homestyle or Grilled chicken. You've had 40 years to decide whether you want Homestyle or Grilled chicken!

If you can't decide then move out of the way. I want a medium Combo #7 with a Fruitopia to go. I'll pay with debit because I know I don't have the change.

New Gen, Same Turok

It seems that the chronic problem with Turok isn't the concept, because if it was I wouldn't keep coming back. The problem with Turok is that every game lacks the ability to direct you when you're lost. This wouldn't be a problem if the levels were open and the objectives clear, but it seems more often than not that I find myself in a clearing with a lot of dead-end off shoots with an objective like "Kill Everything" or "Find the Key" only with the debilitating problem of there being no enemies left and it's a fucking jungle. Often times the section that you are in is connected by a secret gate or tree that can be shifted or passage hidden behind bushes. The problem with this is that the game comes to a screeching hault every few minutes not while you solve a puzzle, but while you decode what a programmer thinks should be the obvious course of action.

What makes this worse is that you have a companion who does nothing but follow you around. Maybe if I've been running around in circles you could do something productive like stand near where I'm supposed to be going. A lot of games give you something like a Bat-sense or Wolverine-sense or Spider-sense or AnimalX-sense to keep the action moving along. Turok has his 1st-person ponder where he holds his guns out directly infront of himself and stands there, or the active-ponder where he holds his guns out directly infront of himself and runs around in a circle about 6 times trying to find a Bowie and Gretel method of getting the fuck out of there.

Or maybe I'm just balls a Turok. Is anyone actually good at it? I'd like to watch them play to get a sense of where the "logic" comes in.

Don't Elect Me, I'm a Fascist

So, I'm reading this article and I can't help getting mad. The summary of the article is that a child rapist wasn't executed because he didn't have a good enough vein to give him the lethal injection.

1. It's fucking poison! Who the fuck cares where it goes? Ice the motherfucker so everyone can go home.
2. Is that the only "humane" way to kill a man? Gas his cell and cut him up while he's asleep! Give him CO poisoning, "accidentally" burn his cell block, pay another prisoner to shank him if you don't want the blood to be on your hands.
3. Why the hell should we be treating child rapists humanely? Feed that fucker to the dogs! Have him fight tigers for our amusement! Give the tigers lasers.
4. It's fucking poison! I know this was point 1, but I thought it was such a good point I should mention it twice.

Seriously. If we're worried about hurting criminals' feelings, they're going to take advantage of us. In fact, they are taking advantage of us. We need to fight back by being cruel to the most heinous of our criminals. Come on, if we're putting people down, we might as well make it an unfavourable way to go. If I wanted to die, I could just go rape some kids and get a few years in a Federal Country Club before they put me to sleep forever (not before feeding me the best meal of my life).

Am I the only one who thinks we need to chain these guys together and have them break rocks for no reason for 18 hours a day? I want their lives to be miserable and meaningless. I want them to pray for death, and when it comes I want them to regret that prayer.

I mean, while we're killing people...

And I'm all for killing people.

Mankind: A Million Years of Luck and Survival by Fisher Price

So, my younger brother is having a baby. We've been doing renovations and decking out the house with stuff and places for the baby. While I was at the grocery store my mom pointed out how gigantic the baby stuff section is. It covers 80% of the wall, two aisles thick.

My first thought here was, "how the fuck did mankind ever survive without all this crap?" What did we do before $30 baby pillows and $40 baby outfits and $60 baby toys and $300 baby boxes?

$300?! For a baby box?

For those of you who are unfamiliar with what I'm talking about, break it down a minute.

It's a box. A box that you put your baby in. You slept in one, I slept in one. I think they call them cribs, but I'm pretty sure that's what gangstas call houses. And they seem to cost just as much. It's like a scale version of a house with equally scaled cost, only you don't get a yard or bathrooms or outlets because your baby isn't an equally scaled version of a person.

My point is that for $300 I'm going to make my own fucking baby crate! I don't remember the one I grew up in and neither do you. And if you do, you certainly didn't care that it was $300.

I think a lot of people scoff at the cheapness of that plan, as if it were unthinkable that someone would put a baby in a non-professionally handcrafted wooden cage. Perhaps the precision engineering yields to the child superior growth and mental ability. Perhaps its finely tuned aesthetic design that has been passed down for generations soothes the child into a more restful state. Perhaps they imbue the very materials with ancient magicks in the factory which can never be replicated. Or perhaps it's just an overpriced box that you keep your kid in until you have to throw it out because your kid needs a bed in a few years.

People I Hate

1. Money droppers. Fuck you. You can hand me your money, or you can place it on the counter, but don't fucking throw it at me. I should start throwing change back.
2. In-your-facers. You have a question, not something to prove. Your toes shouldn't touch mine when we are talking. It's not like you have a secret or we're trying not to wake the baby. We can talk at arm's length.
3. "Where's the _____?" Just the opposite of the above. Shut the fuck up. If you haven't looked, try having a glance at our handy aisle signs. If you are still unsure, kindly approach an employee and ask. Notice how that did not include "yell from the other side of the store."
4. Retards and the Pompous. First, don't tell me what shit is, what shit isn't, or what shit is supposed to be. It is what it fucking is. Don't come into my store and ask, "Hey, bro, where the cold beer at?" because we don't fucking have any. We've never had any. In the who knows how many decades this store has been open, we have never had cold beer. Are you fucking new to this? If so, politely ask if we have cold beer, and I will politely tell you we don't, never have, and never will so long as we live. Secondly, don't assume like wine is common knowledge or that you're so much fucking better for drinking it. When I say, "no, I don't really drink wine" don't keep asking me how they fucking taste. They taste like grape juice that's gone bad! It's a fucking retail job. It's like the people who expect cashiers to know the posted price of every product in a giant store. What, do you think I go home every night and try a new bottle of wine so I can have a professional opinion on it? It's like asking a cashier at the grocery store if the fish is any good, and when they say "yes" you ask if the chicken is better! You should know which you like better! These people clearly make me the maddest.
5. That fucking foreign bitch from today.

Foreigner (from another country, not the band): Ackskuse, Ihk'm lüking fohr jus, hkelp in wit it chippe botil... wïne. Und eeehhh...
Me (while at the till finishing running someone through): I'm sorry, what was that?
Foreigner: "Hkelp!" You dohn't no vat hkelp iss?!
My brain: Fuck you! You don't know what "get ze fuck out" iss? Schnell!
Me: ....
Foreigner: Chippe botil wïne.
Me: How much are you looking to spend?
Foreigner: Chippist botil.
Me: The Rossini. Right (fucking) here.
Foreigner: People (motions with hands) drink it?
Me: People mostly use it for cooking-
Foreigner: Cookink! What people drink? Vat else?
Me: We have Barefoot, red and white, $8.39.
Foreigner: Vat?
Me: Barefoot. $8.39. Aisle 4.
Foreigner: Where?!
Me: Aisle 4.
Foreigner: Vat?
Me: 4. Aisle 4.
(I go to help another customer at the till)
Foreigner: Vat khind?
Me: Barefoot. Aisle 4. Red and white.

I mean, jesus fucking christ, woman. You yell at me for not hearing you mumble behind my back and you can't comprehend one fucking word that comes out of my mouth! What's worse, she walks her cart down aisle 3 and makes a 15 minute phonecall! The icing? She didn't buy the fucking Barefoot after 45 minutes of shopping.

I don't know who you are, where you came from, or where you're going, but I hope you go die in a fire.

The Term "X-Factor"

Stop using it. You sound like a douche.