The Unblogged

The following post is a collection of posts that I didn't post, or simply gave up on before they got anywhere. I find it interesting what some of my old thoughts and feelings were, as well as entertaining to imagine my half thoughts.
If you hadn't picked up, the new notes will be brought to you by the colour RED.

1/20/10 Scientific Exhaustion
I was going to continue a discussion on my Facebook page,
BO-ring!

12/19/09 When Did It Happen?
I've stopped being honest.
I'm not sure, but I think this may have been about hiding (or trying to hide) my feelings for someone. Kinda like a Humphrey Bogart at the end of Casablanca kind of deal, only, you know, not as good.

10/25/09 (Untitled)
I fight such an odd war. I have nothing against my enemy, but I know that he hates me. He even seems like a decent enough guy. It's not political, I want to destroy him and it is most malicious. Maybe it's the testosterone, but I'm not usually a guy who feels the need to win. I can't tell you what it is. What I can tell you is that I like it. I love it. Even though I'm terrible at it.
I don't know about anyone else, but I fucking love being hated sometimes. In my old situation, being hated was the next best thing to being loved. Being a threat to someone is empowering.
But that is an underdog thing too. When you're at the top, you're not a threat to anyone. In an ironic sense, you lose that power.

10/20/09 My Ultimate Team
Skip this one if you want. It's exactly what it sounds like.
In response to TK's Ultimate Team blog, here is my Ultimate Alliance 2 Team:

Storm.
What can I say about the master of the elements? Her in game taunts are the most justified of anyone. She controls the weather itself. She defeated Magneto. She is through and through awesome. I'll admit that when I started I was wary of Storm, since in UA1 she refused to use her one good power of Lightning Blast. But in UA2, her Lightning Blast is unparallelled and her Gale Force is the first and best of its class. The ability to dismissively blast an oncoming troop of enemies off a ledge is nothing short of god-like. While the rest of my crew is busy hacking away at single targets, Storm is blasting small armies away and causing massive random lightning damage all over the field. Inescapable lightning damage, too. It cannot be blocked and it cannot be dodged.

Wolverine.
Begrudgingly. There is a reason this guy is such a cliche. He's a-goddamn-mazing. Massive damage, massive hit points, regeneration, and a good spread of attacks. Some characters I find have a tendency to have just one good move and the others are simply there for show. He spins, he charges, he dives, he slashes... things wind up dead. I have the damage numbers on and when Wolverine comes in contact with someone there is just a stream of numbers. I wanted to trade him in, and he was usually on the bench while I was trying other guys out, but when it comes to an Ultimate Team, you'd be crazy not to bring in this cat... dog... monster-thing. What the hell is a wolverine anyway?

Venom.
He didn't get added to the roster until late in the game, but jesus tits this guy is a monster. Like, literally. In every sense of the word. Here is a case of someone who was pretty much a one trick pony, with other skills to fill the skill points out. He has this move where he leaps at someone, tackles them, and then devours them. For the little guys, Venom is unstoppable! Combined with his Pull move, if the first attack doesn't kill the guy, the second surely will. A big sack of hit points that can beat people to death with other people. Venom has always been pretty awesome.

Other.
There are honestly too many people that could fit into this last spot. Spidey was fun, but not great at anything. Ms. Marvel was hot, but I don't know who the fuck she is. Gambit was classic, but he never wowed me. I honestly never tried Deadpool, but that guy comes off as a more obnoxious Spider-man. Luke Cage was on my team for a while for racial diversity. He was okay. Ironman was denied from my team, so when I got him back I thought he could go suck a dick. Jean Grey was wicked powerful, but awfully dainty. Honestly, I never became that attached to anyone. I got Hulk late, and he was doing well, but he didn't seem to be pulling his weight. I wanted him to devastate people.

Anyway, I'm going to play it a second time around on hard and go Pro-Regulation. Maybe Ironman will grow on me again, but I somehow doubt it.

10/15/09 Contending the Winter of Discontent
I'm trying to work out the logical cycle of the miserability scores of the winter. The last two years have been horrible cold, but
Did winter get better this year? Depends where you start and finish winter. This post was obviously in mid-October and winter didn't technically start for another two months. If it's based on the weather, then winter was over by the beginning of March, and even then things started looking up. But maybe that's just the thing: cold = suck.

5/25/09 Recess
So I was at a party the other night to substantially increase the man count of the evening. Little did I know I was to increase the man count by an infinite percentage. First, let me drop some knowledge on you. Being the only guy in a group full of girls is only beneficial when these girls are deprived and competing over, or better yet, considering sharing you. However, even if you arrived before many of the women, you are on the outside
Ha ha! I can't even tell you where I was for this, but I'm sure it was entertaining! I have a feeling I was in Lethbridge.

4/4/09 My goals
#1 Outlive Thom.
#2 Failing Goal 1, outlive wife so I don't have to tell people
What don't I have to tell people? I don't know. I'm too busy laughing at goal #1!

4/3/09 Secrecy
I find it funny that despite all the honest feelings we can express to each other there is always a level we feel the need to hide. There are always things we don't want to say because we're worried what the other person will think. Worse, sometimes we worry what the other person will do. More often than not, I think we're wrong. I think people are a lot more calm and reasonable than we give them credit for.

But despite all that logic, I still can't bring myself to explain the truth. I don't even know how to say it. I can make a lot of fuss about things that don't really matter, but when it comes to the important things... I don't know how to say them. I tried to once and it blew up in my face. I suppose wildly bitching to the internet hasn't been productive either.
Seriously. But I still do it. What's the deal with that?

I suppose what I need to say is that I'm sorry. My feelings were misdirected and my action was out of line. I know this is an open place, and that doesn't bother me. But if I'm going to be open, I need to be open.
So, here it goes.

Dear Blog,
I've fallen in love.
At least to the point that I understood love a year ago. And the irony kills me that a year ago I could only understand that level of love and it might have happened, and now I can see the infinite ocean of emotion that I hadn't yet reached. But at this ledge I am stopped. I am unable to explore. And maybe that's for the best. Maybe if I were to explore, I would soon run out of air (or maybe vice versa) and would have to resurface. Getting dumped out of the ocean is one thing, but the bends is another. Maybe diving in and exploring this is a bad idea. But I see something in the depths. I feel it. How can I ignore it? How can I stay here and never go? I could go to the reef. Reefs are safe; stable. But how can I ever forget those endless depths of the unknown? Even if I had to come back, why couldn't I try? Why couldn't we try?
This right here is why I never posted this. What the fuck am I talking about? That metaphor is constructed worse than slip n' slide built with bristle blocks. It is literally painful to read.

Blog, I'll cut the metaphor for a minute here. Thank God. I want to try this out. Even if it's built to break, even though there are so many signs that say we shouldn't, even though I've done so much to damage it... I want to try. And if I experience a whole new level of heartache, then I have experienced a whole new level of love. I know all the pain I've been through, and I remember it all as I bring those memories back. And all of that heartache, all of those tears and all that regret combined is worth a shot at this.
Wisdom, if I do say so myself.
...

If I'm being honest with you, I wonder now if I've placed her on a pedestal. I've ignored anything with her picture because she is too fucking beautiful. I sometimes think I might be the only one that really sees that. I mean really sees it. I can't even describe the feeling. It's like I want to... absorb her. I don't know, that's really all I can think of. Like I want to hold her so close that we occupy the same space to a scientifically impossible degree, as if our images overlapped. Is it all in my head, or is it all in my heart? I don't know. I wish I knew. I wish I didn't regret running away as much as I have. I wish the conviction I felt once hadn't been so terribly battered. I'm breaking down.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know about you, but I'm following along. I guess I wrote it, though. I'm starting to get the bed ("bad". Though I imagine I was having bed feelings at this point too) feeling that this whole post is a mistake. But I'm going to push through it because I think there has been a lack of communication. And yes, I should say a lot of ("to") this in person. But, like I said, I'm scared. So much for pushing through and communicating. A coward to the end, I suppose.

...I'm trying to be interested in other people. It's a hard thing to say and I don't know why. I guess it goes back to worrying what people will do; how they'll react. I think a lot of the time, I promise feelings that I can't deliver in circumstantial situations. "We'll always be friends" is the biggest one, I think. It's not that the prospect of being together was the only thing holding us together, but sometimes things change and there is no overlooking it. I can't dissolve my feelings. I need to escape and dispose of them. I've got to get away. But it's so hard when I want to stay. Fuck you, old me! I'm doing it.

I didn't really get to say everything I wanted, but my head is killing me.

This is why it's good not only to keep a record of what you think, feel, and do, but also to go back and read it once in a while. If you take anything from this whole thing, take this piece of advice: go back and look it all over. Revisit your thoughts. The insight you gain about yourself is incredible. Everything changes when you take a trip back to visit who you were. I've been known to say it before, but I don't like me 5 years ago. 5 years from now Alex won't like Today Alex, even though Today Alex is fuckin' awesome. I'm sure even 6-months-from-now- Alex won't really be fond of Today Alex, but what can you do?
Learn.

3/13/09 Post it
(I'm trying this quick summary thing. Read this; get the jist. Read on for more info. I don't know whether this girl likes me back or not.) Semi- spoiler! I don't know who I'm talking about yet, but I bet she doesn't!

I have a note on the side of my computer that reads "Keep it to your goddamn self!"
I don't know why she troubles me the way that she does. It has got to be in my head. So, here I write to the abyss of the internet. Remember you're reading my blog. I'm not complaining to you. Aha! A loophole! Stuff it, Thom!

Is it bad that I can't tell if I'm the hero or the villain in my own story? I suppose good or bad is the same as right and wrong; good and evil. These are the things I cannot determine. Am I the heart of the righteous stuck in the body of the wicked, or the malevolent soul presented in a body of innocence? I want to do good, but am I the good that resists the temptation of evil, or am I the evil that seeks redemption? Is my destiny to be all the good which I wish to be, or is it to lay ruin to the supposed goodness I have created?
I really write like this sometimes, not a word of a lie. I just normally don't show anyone. There's a fucking reason for that. These longwinded posts are embarrassing bullshit!

Let me explain. I pride myself in goodness. I am fulfilled by doing what I think to be right, even if it is not the easiest route. But there has been a record so far of 100% violation of supposition among past lovers. Whether this be violation of ideas of fidelity, temperament, deceit, opportunism, or abandonment, there is always an aspect that appears in a relationship, or post relationship, that serves no purpose greater than destruction. Simply put, I hurt the ones I have loved and cared for.

Enter the girl. Yes, the girl. I would be remiss in believing that this girl is the end-all be-all of womankind purely by nature of her virtues - there are many thing that are simply incongruent among us - but somehow she attains the position in my mind of the girl ("the" should be in italics). And perhaps is something that I will talk about later. But for now, I ponder, does not the woman that corrupts man cancel the man that corrupts love?

Perhaps it is the man that corrupts woman? Very well. To an extent, I am that man. Should not then we two form a unison of which none more is perfect? I fear not.

I apologize. In my state I confuse eloquence with verbiage. Yeah, no shit, you pretentious wanker! What the fuck are you trying to say. Jesus Christ, this is the worst thing ever...

Why aren't things working? Why aren't we together? We want what we cannot have. Perhaps, by making up my mind on the course of action to take, I am no longer available. Perhaps I project this emotion more than I am aware. I know in my mind that it is impossible, and purely by virtue of impossibility is it something which I desire? Do I want what I cannot have because I have concluded that I cannot have it? Perhaps, though I did want it before I reached such conclusion. Is she so observant, though, that she perceives my decision and thus has become attracted to that which I have decided she cannot have? Perhaps. Now, supposing that both of these are true, am I not free to retract my previous conclusion and thus formally admit that my conclusion was invalid and that we two must be together?
I think I was in a philosophy class at the time, and they all write like this. Maybe I could make sense of it then, but I sure can't pull it apart now. Maybe philosophers need to stop being philosophers for a few months before they review their own work. It's like living in France for a few months and coming back to America and ordering jus d'orange. It's orange juice, motherfucker, and you're not cultured, you're a fucking idiot.

Yeah, it confuses me sometimes too. Here it is: if I gave up and the girl now likes me because I am unavailable, can I really just say, "hey, I'm all yours!" and things will work out dandy because she likes me? See? That's concise. I get that. I know what I'm talking about here.

They won't. She won't. The feelings are contingent. There is only one course to take.

I really should keep it to myself.
Okay, I was wrong. The girl may have liked me at the time. Although, that was a full year ago! That's incredible. Maybe I was right then. Maybe she didn't like me a year ago. A year is a longer time than I give it credit. It doesn't feel that long looking back, but it really is a long time. I could go on about "what ifs" and muse about the possibilities of what could have been, but that'd end up sounding like all the garbage I wrote a year ago! So here is my conclusion: I made my choices.


These next ones are over a year old, but they were in my "draft" folder, so what the hell!
1/28/09 Proof that Women are greater than Men
A lot of people on both sides of the gender spectrum (oh, it totally is a spectrum) believe that men are better than women. But I have proof that this is not the case.

All women carry our future sons their entire lives.
All men are born of women.
It takes the defiance of many men for a boy to become a man, yet only the love of a single woman.
Through hail of bullets and rain of bombs, between polished swords and sharpened spears, under thrown rocks and over the pitched fires of men a man can resist, but the absence of a woman can leave a man destroyed.
Oh how poetical... shit. To put it another way: women are man's only weakness.

1/23/09 Inequality
Men an women are different. I don't care what you say, but they are. There is a reason why boys like practical academics and girls like visual aesthetics (not that one does not grow to appreciate the other).

Men were made by scientists and women were made by artists.

This is where I wrote a little play about the creation of man and woman.
Genitus: Hurry up, everybody! The deadline's here and God needs these last bits!

Enter Penus.

Genitus: Ah! Penus. What do you have for us?

Penus: Check this out.

Penus whips out the first wang.

Penus: I call it The Penus!

Genitus: Wow, that's... something.

Penus: No, check this out!

The Penus erects.

Penus: Eh? Eh?! Totally involuntary! No bones or nothing.

Genitus: Ha! That is totally awesome! God's gonna be stoked!

Penus: I know, eh?

Penus plays with his newest invention.

Genitus: "The Penis," right?

Genitus scribbles on his clipboard.

Genitus: ...N, I, S.

Penus looks up from the willie.

Penus: Hmm?

Genitus: So, how does it work.

Penus: That's the best part. I was working with Testiclulus on this one. It shoots stuff. Testucles

Enter Testucles, slightly out of breath.

Testucles: Sorry, boss. Here it is.

Testucles holds up a pair of testicles.

Genitus: I don't follow.

Testucles: They're like mini factories. They make these little tiny cells with tails that can swim.

Genitus: Can I see?

Testucles: Just be careful. They're a little delicate.

Genitus: How delicate?

Testucles: Well, it's a complicated system. They're really sensitive and need to be kept at about 33 degrees.

Genitus checks his clipboard.

Genitus: Not 37 degrees?

Testucles: No.

Genitus: So what the hell are we going to do about that?

Testucles: I got it all planned out. We keep 'em in a bag.

Genitus: In a bag?! They're going to lose them!

Testucles: No, like a skin bag.

Genitus: A skin bag? Testucles, we can't afford that much material.

Enter Scrotus hurriedly.

Scrotus: Master! Master! I found something!

Scrotus hands Testucles fistfulls of skin.

Scrotus: They're elbow skin that God was just throwing away!

Testucles: That explains all the hair.

Penus hits Testucles with The Penus.

Penus: I thought we agreed on no hair!

Testucles: I'm sorry! Look, it's the best we can do.

Genitus: I'll let you sort that out for a minute while I check the design for Woman.

Penus, Testucles, and Scrotus huddle together.

Enter Vagino and Ovariam.

Genitus: Vagino! Ovarium! What do you have for us?

Vagino: Genitus, I say with no ego that this is our greatest creation. It's hidden, protected, sleek, soft, runs like clockwork, never needs replacing.

Genitus: Impressive! How does it work?

Ovariam: So, I've got these two little balls-

Genitus slaps his face into his palm.

Genitus: Calibrated to 33 degrees?

Ovariam: No. 37. Who calibrated to 33?

Genitus looks over his shouler at Penus, Testucles, and Scrotum.

Testucles: -no, no, you've got to pin it here!

Genitus turns back to Vagino and Ovariam.

Genitus: Doesn't matter.

Vagino looks over.

Vagino: What are they doing?

Genitus: Please, continue.

Ovariam: Right. So I have these balls. We can call the ovaries to avoid confusion. Anyway, so they are filled with, like, thousands and thousands of eggs-

Genitus: And the woman simply releases an egg when she wants to bear a child! Brilliant!

Pause.

Ovariam: We were thinking more of a timed release.

Genitus: So, they just sort of leak eggs from time to time?

Awkward pause.

Ovariam: You could say that.

Genitus: What happens?

Ovariam: Well, it's more than just an egg. But don't worry. We've devised a hormonal mechanism to keep it hidden.

Genitus: All right, I'll trust you know what you're doing. So, the egg comes out and then the man shoots Testucles' swimming cells onto it and it makes a baby, right?

Ovariam: Well, no. The baby has to grow inside here in this big chamber.

Genitus stares.

Genitus: And then...

Ovariam: Then you have a baby.

Genitus: How does the baby get out?

Ovariam and Vagino exchange looks.

Vagino: Ohhhhh no. No no no no no. No way. This is a masterpiece!

Ovariam (lowered voice): Vag, you're making me look bad.

Vagino: Ovariam, you make yourself look bad. We're not cramming a baby through my Vagina.

Ovariam: It's too late to change everything. C'mon, Vagino. It's the only way!

Vagino (sighs): Fine.

Genitus: Great! I've got to write up a report for God right now. Feel free to share your project with the other.

Genitus exits.

The huddled group of Penus, Testucles, and Scrotus opens up to reveal their package.

Penus: Ta-dah!

Vagino: eugh.


Next week: Gentius tries to explain to God how these parts are used to make new people.

I'm not thrilled with Ovariam and Vagino. They're not quite as entertaining as the stooges that are Penus, Testucles and Scrotus. Also, I'm more of an expert on the poor design of male genitalia than I am with regards to how women feel about their genitals. I don't know if anyone else finds it as funny as I do, but come on, a man's junk is the most poorly designed part of nature on a whole.



Hooray! You either read everything or scrolled to the bottom and said "Fuck that!"
Either way, thanks for getting to this point!

Backup Strategies

I think the worst thing about backup strategies is that if you have doubts about the success of Plan A, what reason do you have to believe that Plan B will be anymore successful? Plan B is just as capable of failure as Plan A was. So why the hell have a Plan B? Or why not have an infinite regression of alternate plans?

What's worse is when you take a Plan A, swap it for Plan B, because Plan A seems bust, and then when Plan B fails you think you can resort to Plan A as your "Plan B". Well, guess what? It doesn't work that way. When life is in Fail-Mode, no amount of planning in the world can stop it.

My problem with the whole "wing it" strategy is that it lacks commitment. I want to commit. I want to turn things away because I'm already in something. It's kind of like those assignments in school that were completely open. When you can do anything you want, you can't ever think of what you want. There needs to be some restrictions, some limitations. There needs to be boundaries that can be pushed before you're really creating anything. Otherwise you're just making a big fucking mess.

Desensitized

I've come to the conclusion that people are twats and desensitization is a good thing. This is not to be confused with bastardification.

Let me give you an example. We eat me, or at least a lot of us do. That meat comes from a living, breathing, and yes, thinking and feeling animal. It wants to live and hurts when it is killed. This is a fact of life. It's the food chain. We kill things and we eat them. Being humane isn't about not doing what we're designed to do because something gets hurt. Being humane is about being respectful for the life that ended to keep yours going. Look at most wild animals. A dog will shake the bejesus out of its prey to break its neck. A cat will go for the jugular to bleed it out as fast as possible. Given the tools that they have, this is a very good way to do it. It is the humane way to do it.

So understanding that animals are killed, bled out, cut into pieces and shipped to your grocer is something that I think is positive quality. Being able to see it and watch it and understand its necessity (for what portion of the process is entirely necessary. I do understand that a degree of slaughtering animals is a cost/time analysis) makes us better people because it keeps us from being ignorant. Enjoying it is another story. That's being a bastard.

That being said, if watching that sort of thing turns you off meat all together, then you're appropriately sensitive. What bothers me is the people who are bothered by killing animals but are comfortable eating them. It's the cold truth about the world that allows us to demand to make it better. If you disagree with killing animals but want to eat them then I urge you to tell someone how to kill animals without it being uncomfortable for you. The fact is, you can't do it. And if you say, "oh, just wait for them to die on their own" be prepared for less meat to cost way more. Animals that die on their own die in one of 4 ways, in order of likelihood:

1. killed by another animal
2. get sick and die
3. die in an accident,
4. or die of old age.

The maximum yield of meat from these events is thus

1. none (another animal ate it)
2. none (it's diseased. Unless you want to eat "we think we cooked what killed it out of it" beef)
3. variable (depends when you find it)
4. about half of what it could be (ever notice how old people are a lot skinnier than younger people?)

So stop whining about how we have to kill animals while you're busy grilling up another delicious steak. It's the circle of life.

If you don't like the meat debate, how about the encouraged desensitization we go through constantly? What about war? You can't watch an animal be killed for food but you can support the slaughter of a nation of people who aren't even necessarily fighting a cause, but are defending their country? How about our desensitization toward our fellow man? We hear about countless violent crimes every day and all we do is lock our doors. If you gave a shit about "humanity" you'd do something to stop it. If you cared about every life you wouldn't only be looking out for yourself. Start a neighbourhood watch. Investigate the crime. Make sure these criminals are put away. Feed the hungry. House the homeless. Hell, start small and give those cold bastards waiting for the bus a lift in your toasty 8 seater SUV.

Oh, I forgot you're doing your part by having a "fuel efficient" SUV. You're a real humanitarian.

I forgot how fucked up everything is out here...

Have things always been so complicated? Has the world always been this way? Maybe we were just too young to understand, or maybe we were too distracted to see it, but the world sucks. But not in a Captain Planet/starving kids in Africa/social injustice/ongoing communist threat/McDonald's deficiency in undeveloped nations kind of way. The world sucks on a personal level.

Maybe I'm a pessimist, but I'm starting to wonder if all the good things in life just make us ignore the bad things. Have a pint and forget about work. Eat and forget about the one that got away. Fuck and forget the disease. Are these the things that make life enjoyable, or are these the distractions?

I suppose a lot of things are inevitable. Maybe forgetting what you cannot change is as good as abolishing it as long as there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe distractions are productive.

We can't be purely hedonistic, but we can't dwell on everything. Where do we draw the line?

The One

You know, the idea that there is just one perfect person out there for you, while romantic on the surface, is a just a sign of one's inability to commit.

Commitment isn't being with the perfect person; that's just logic. Commitment is being with someone who is imperfect and there always being a possibility of someone out there being more. Commitment is making a choice and standing by it. After all, what happens when you meet that perfect person the day after your wedding? What happens when you meet them twenty years later and you have kids with someone else?

If you believe in "the one," then you either have to cut and run, or live the rest of your life in the misery of knowing that you'll never be with "the one."

Personally, I just want a good one.

Running

I used to think that running away was based solely on personal fears; fear of being hurt, foremost. I used to think people would run away because they were scared of something bad happening, which boiled down to them being afraid of risking or committing to something or someone. I used to think that I ran away to protect myself, to let myself heal. But things have changed.

I find now that I've grown older and relationships have become more complicated. While some things get easier, other things get harder. For example, while it may be easier to ask and take a pretty girl out on a date, it is more complicated when it comes to where things are going, how you get along, what your personalities are like. The standard list of adjectives, while still being applicable, is no longer the basis of conduct. A girl can be beautiful, fun, exciting, nerdy, playful, smart, what-have-you, and still somehow lack that intangible force that attracts two people together (or, as seems more often than not these days, one person to another). The same applies to the opposite. A girl can be crazy, indecisive, insecure, secluded, even abusive, and there can still remain something, some intangible something, that grants that girl a special place in our hearts. I digress. Things have changed. Where once I ran to escape somebody, now I run to remove myself. Where once I ran to protect myself, now I run to protect another.

Even still, I wonder if people run away because they are scared for themselves. Perhaps they are scared for someone else. I know I don't mind getting hurt. I'd rather they didn't run away from me. Perhaps I should assume the same about them and stand my ground.

The birds are singing. Time to switch shifts. Dream time.

The Friend Zone

By popular demand... well, by demand anyway, I'm here to talk about the Friend Zone.

I used to have a really good handle on the Friend Zone. It was bad. It meant you didn't get to have sex with someone and that makes your life miserable because not being allowed to have sex with someone you want to have sex with makes you want to have sex with them even more! And while in the Friend Zone, wanting to have sex even more makes you less likely to actually have sex of any kind because you're so totally fixated on having sex with the person you can't that you miss other people who would have sex with you.

I should clarify before I get too ahead of myself. The Friend Zone is not a social zone where two people are friends. That's just being friends. Now, just being friends is a fuck of a lot different than being just friends. Just being friends means you can joke about boning each other without anyone hoping it could happen. Being just friends means that one party will make comments about the underwear she should buy in a joking fashion while the other party pulls his hair out because comments like that actually do imply sexual relations, which he wants, but the circumstances as clearly defined by the first party clearly state that any physical relations are prohibited from the Friend Zone. In short, being just friends is always one sided. The Friend Zone is one sided.

But perhaps this isn't all bad. If one can triumph through the trials of the Friend Zone, it can reveal under it's agonizing beauty the green hills of Lasting Friendship. However, it could also unearth the molten earth of Jealousy County.

Scenario One. You send recon forces into neighbouring parties. Using the intelligence you have gathered (there are several ways to gather this information) you can determine whether or not your forces would be better used in other area. You pull out your offencive forces from the Friend Zone and leave only your defences there to guard the territory. You enter the neighbouring party with your accumulated forces and begin to build a relationship. The opposing forces of the Friend Zone will hear of the success of your mission and your forces sign a peace treaty. In short, one relationship turns to the Friend Zone, one could find another and still end up with a friend.

Scenario Two. You send recon forces out and start operations in another area. The forces of the Friend Zone catch wind of this and take the opportunity to assault your troops while they are in transport. The Friend Zone converts to Jealousy County and all the opposing forces are devoted to keeping you in. Submission to these forces will be taken as a surrender and the govenor of the Friend Zone will be reinstated promptly. This will leave your forces divided and broken with nothing to show for it

Can you ever leave the Friend Zone?

The answer is yes. You can leave anything you want. It's called a Reverse Blitz. Rather than moving all your troops into a zone quickly, you remove all your troops in the blink of an eye, and nuke the entire zone. As long as all your troops get out, you're no worse off. But you can never regain that territory. It is lost to you. And the consequences can be lasting for the zone as well. Its lands may never be the same again, and perhaps the green hills of Lasting Friendship could be lost forever. Perhaps this could inspire the Friend Zone to rise up tirelessly for ages to come for any other party. Perhaps it will cause the Friend Zone to disband forever and let whatever asshole march in.

The last thing I want to say is about the Third Scenario. What if you stayed in the Friend Zone and fought it with tirelessly? What if you could force the Friend Zone away and form a union between your country and theirs? What if that territory is just worth fighting for?

The Groundhog

The other day I was walking to school and I found a groundhog dead on the top of the hill. He must have frozen to death that night. It upset me a little to think that he had survived through such a long winter only to fail now at the dawn of spring. By the time I walked home that evening, the birds had picked him clean. Only the bones, feet, and head remained.

I started to wonder why this had been shown to me. I suppose it could be a coincidence that I saw it and a coincidence that the birds had not carried it off. But I don't really believe in coincidences. I believe that something that I took such great notice of is something that I was meant to notice. And now I wonder what the message was.

After a long, cold winter, do I give up? Do I submit my insides to the birds to tear out and leave me hollow? Is this a sign that this is the end? Or is it a warning? Am I to persevere through the cold and the darkness? If I hold on just a little bit longer, will I survive?

I don't know.

Good vs Evil

This old question has a fairly obvious answer: be good. Always choose good over evil if you are conflicted. But I think this only counts if you're in the middle.

I have recently discovered that I am not in the middle. I've suspected it for a long time, but it is now quite obvious that I was, in fact, created as an agent of evil. So my question now is this: Is it better to defect from evil and throw my self at the mercy of good, or do I obey my nature and continue this path of evil?

Let me clarify. I don't eat babies. I don't murder baby animals for sport. I pretty much steer clear of the whole harming infants scene. However, I do seem to have a tendency to corrupt women; God's women. Not on a mass scale, mind you, but more like a secret agent hidden under the disguise of good.

Recently, God has shown me just how mad at me he is. To say the least, it's a doozy. So, can I really expect Him to forgive me? And if so, won't the Devil be equally pissed? Even if it could happen, I'd have to keep my nose pretty fucking clean to avoid certain rapture. If I were to be cast from under the wing of God, I'm sure the Devil would no longer employ my service, but submit me to eternal torture of the most terrible calibre.

Then, on the other hand, whose to say that a lifetime of servitude will reward me pardon from the eternal torment of hell?

Tough call.

Destruction, Role Reversals, and Choices

These are actually examples of things that aren't wrong with the world. These are the things that make life difficult, but ultimately worth living be it for creation of life, appreciation of life, or simply being life.

Part 1

I drove down to Lethbridge this weekend; about a two hour drive. The weather warnings were extreme in the morning, but had diminished by the time I left. None the less, I found cars spun out in the ditch, one car on its roof with an exit trail probably a full 30° from the road (in case you don't think in trajectories, that means it was going over 50% as fast sideways as it was going forward along the road, or exactly 50% of its speed [no vector {direction}] was in a vector perpendicular to the road. tl;dr it went sideways fast), and finally, the worst of them all, I saw a horse trailer on its side. Firetrucks, ambulances, police cruisers, all sorts of emergency crews... two lanes of traffic were forced around onto the shoulder to sneak by directed by no less than 4 traffic coordinators. I couldn't even bear to confirm my suspicions.

But I thought to myself what a terrible thing that man has done. We cage an animal and, due to weather it would otherwise survive, we kill it. Cows, pigs, sheep, chickens... they all die for me to eat and probably eat better than I rightfully should (for I have not cared for nor have I bested these animals). And I suppose logically a horse is no different. It's life should hold no extra value to us than the lives of such a multitude of similar animals. But somehow it stands for something. Horses represent freedom, hopes, dreams, pride and other things that are hard to draw. And we have killed it.

I begin to wonder if I am man and life is nature. Man seeks to control nature. Nature cannot be controlled. And sometimes they collide and horses, dreams, can be killed. Life is happening. Can I control it? Could I not even if I wanted to?

I drive into Lethbridge. Too many cars in front of the house to park. I park down the street. The frozen body of a rabbit lies belly up in the gutter ahead.

She used to point out rabbits in the hills. Now here it is in front of me. Adorable. Dead.

Perhaps another metaphor; stronger than the first. Closer to her, not me. That's what it's about after all.

Part 2

The night plays out; a hilarious mix of people new and old coming and going. Life is happening here. This isn't what I came for, but it's more fun than I thought. This isn't why we come; not the real reason.

And there's the revelation. "We."

I don't know what I thought of girls before they held my affection. I probably saw them as people, only more different people than us boys. But soon they started to stick out. There was always a girl. There was always one that I thought was more than the rest of them. And I built up that philosophy for years. The One. Every girl is special, and, in my case, every new girl must be the One.

I've finally came to realize that in my experience, girls are all the same, just like they say. I was the one who was different. I was the one who cared when no other guy did. I was the guy who brought flowers and went shopping and looked at jewelry and told her that she was beautiful all the time. I was the one who wanted to have kids and simultaneously wanted to do whatever he had to to financially provide for his family (which I wanted while we was still young) and wanted to stay home with the kids so she could pursue her career. I was the one who said, "I'm sorry," when I was wrong. I'm the one who said, "I love you," every chance I could. She told me I was the most amazing guy she had ever met and that we were forever.

I realize that there are some things you just say, sometimes for no other reason than that it sounds nice. But it can't all be bullshit. There must have been something special about me. I stood out. This is exactly doubled by the fact that I have never asked a girl out on a date in my life...oh, wait, no, yes, I did once. I got a "no." However, that being said, there is a far greater number of girls who have made the moves on me. So there has to be something. And it certainly isn't my face, my body, my brains, my wit, or my charm. It's just something.

Then there's this girl. She's got it, too. All girls are the same... except her. She is undoubtedly unlike any girl I have ever known or ever will again. And suddenly I'm just another boy falling at her feet. And it's strange being on the other side of that scenario.

Perhaps I broke my role first. Maybe it's part of the new me. Is that new me really the me I want to be?

Part 1, Side 2

I drive back home the next day.

I left her different this time. No difficult screen doors to open. The wind was colder than usual. I drive away regretting it.

Broken fences, broken rails, broken signs. This weather did a number on things. The sign that told me to exit is half over. Do I look for signs not to exit, or does this mean that the signs will be gone, but the choice still must be made? More questions for later.

The fences are made by man. Some fences are broken by men; others are broken by nature itself. What are these fences? Do they separate us from being together, or do they keep us from being exposed? Man will rebuild these fences. Should I? Nature brought them down.

A train derailed. Me. Another moves backwards. Me, again. Are these the choices of who I can be? I saw no other trains. Perhaps they are simply beyond what I can see.

Part 3

Who am I? Who do I choose to become? Do I remain extraordinary among girls whom are all the same, or do I become ordinary chasing after the one girl like no other?

I am derailed; another version of me. Do I drive backwards? Pick up from a time once passed? Am I then doomed to tread the same ground only to end up in the same place again, and later, the place where I cannot see? Do I press on to the unforeseeable future?

What do these fences, these barriers, mean? What do they mean to me? What do they mean to her? Do I build them up, or watch them burn?

Maybe they represent an inquantitative distance. I seem to hear my own advice.

Leave. Don't come back until the feelings go away. The girls hate it, but it's the only way.

Hope is a funny thing. Sometimes hopelessness can make you feel better.

Did hope die this weekend? I don't know. I couldn't bring myself to look.