People I Hate Part 10

Hipsters.

I hate hipsters so much that it puts World War 2 into a whole new perspective. Just replace "Jew" with "Hipster" and I'm pretty much on board.




The real problem is, it's only going to get worse. We're losing the war here, cool 90's kids. Kids these days just don't understand that no amount of consumer whoring (and yes, when you only buy organic foods and fair trade coffee, you're still a consumer whore since a. those are niche markets that exist because hipsters are willing to pay through the nose for the social stigma and b. you still wear $300 of trendy brand name clothes) is going to make you an awesome person. You've gotta be awesome all on your own. That's what makes a timeless good dude.

My message to the kids today is this: The funkiest disco king is now your orthodontist.

Big Brother Needs To Get To Work

I'm sick of this shit, guys. People can trace my IP, copy my debit card, and find my name, address, and phone number all without any trouble. The police have me on record for my heinous exiting my old high school after lunch break. The system has a credit history on me a mile long (that's the system, not just the bank). I have folders in different medical facilities that contain my medical history and information. But despite all this, Alberta Education doesn't have my grades.

I've got an Alberta Education number! I've taken my tests and I was assured that they were taken to our provincial capital for review. I attended a university inside the province. On top of that, I sent all of my information to Mount Royal the first time I applied! So here is my question:
Why is it so goddamn hard for post-secondary institutions to just look up all my information their goddamn selves?

My argument can be broken down into three simple arguments:

1. My information exists somewhere. Just link it all to my Alberta Education number. I can get all my transcripts sent anywhere I want from that anyway (it just costs me money)
2. Everyone else has me on file in some way. Safeway keeps track of how many bags of corn chips I eat per week, and the government can't keep track of sum of my educational achievement expressed simply as single page of grades?
3. a) How can an accredited institution such as MRU or UofC not be trusted with access to view my grades, and b) even if they can't be trusted, what malicious acts could they commit with knowing numbers of things that I did once? What? Are they going to feloniously report my aptitude?
4. (Bonus argument) They don't even accept a transcript that I give them! They need to get the information directly from my previous post-secondary institution- correction: They need to get me to get them the information directly from my previous post-secondary institution.

In conclusion, I'm sick of educational institutions that clearly recognize each other who refuse to communicate with each other independently. It's as if they make all the hoop jumping mandatory to prove that you're devoted to going to school. As if the application fees aren't enough to prove we're serious, we've also done post-secondary before and aren't shitheads fresh out of high school, but we're still harassed the most.

Thanks for making my continued education easier, Alberta. I'll be sure to try to find work in BC.

Bad Arguments

Give give it a little bit of thought.
Now, I'm no scientist, but I did complete high school. Isn't methane flammable? And for that matter, isn't butane? I mean, that's what makes it so good for lighting on fire.

See if you can follow this reaction.
CH4 (methane) + 2 O2 -> 2 H20 + CO2 + energy
Or, hell, this one:
2 C4H10 (butane) + 13 O2 -> 10 H2O + 8 CO2 + energy
We can even go crazy and say,
2 CH3OH (methanol) + 3 O2 -> 4 H2O + 2 CO2 + energy

It seems to me that we exhale CO2, so we breathe it in naturally from our atmosphere. And inhaling water vapour never really hurt anyone. Seems to me you put three incredibly clean burning fuels on your list. Bad argument.

After all, we're not afraid of inhaling the fumes from our lighter, sewer gas (you inhale methane when you're in the shitter, get over yourself), or from a candle! How dumb do you have to be to not understand that when you burn a candle, the stearic acid they claim is in it burns into the atmosphere you breathe!

It seems to me that cigarettes are most dangerous when eaten. I know these people aren't smokers, but ignition is a vital part of the smoking process.

And finally, if you think all those "chemicals" are bad for you, you're not quite getting it. Chemicals aren't bad. Everything is made of chemicals (acetic acid is vinegar. You put it on your fries). Some chemicals are in other weird shit, but if that puts you off smoking, check this out.

I'm not pro-smoking, or anti-smoking. Do what you want. If it's not affecting other people, whose business is it? And if you want to talk about the smell, let me know and I'll prepare a lecture on perfumes.

Old People

I know I'm about to sound like "kids these days," but fucking old people.

Seriously, I know that you're old and all, but I don't think we should stand up for their shit any longer. I have places to be and things to do. Life moves fast, and while some things are meant to be enjoyed, some things are meant to get fucking done.

They always say that they were like us when they were young, and that they reached a certain age where they realized none of that matters and that you have to enjoy the little things in life; take your time, no hurry, you'll get there when you get there.

Well I won't fucking get there unless you hurry your old ass up. The reason things don't matter at your age is because you're retired. If lunch takes you all day, what did you miss? Nothing! I have half an hour for lunch and I don't want to spend half of it standing behind you because you can't decide whether you want Homestyle or Grilled chicken. You've had 40 years to decide whether you want Homestyle or Grilled chicken!

If you can't decide then move out of the way. I want a medium Combo #7 with a Fruitopia to go. I'll pay with debit because I know I don't have the change.

Marketing Mishap

I think the guys at Koodo needed to stick to one marketing plan. That, or they have a very precise list of questions they feel the need to answer at the end of their radio commercials.
Perhaps it went a little something like this:

Customer: So, gentlefolk of telecommunications, why should I purchase your particular cellular telephone service?
Koodo: Say "no" to big billification!
Customer: Ah! What with the clever made up words and all. I understand. Thank you, obnoxious teenage girl brigade. But since I am in the market to acquire telecommuncative means I have no way to contact your services. Is there an alternate course?
Koodo: koodomobile.com
Customer: The internets! The "dot com" tipped me off. Though there still remains one fundamental question: By what moniker should I herald thee so that others shall follow in my path?
Koodo: Koooooooooooooodo.
Customer: Thank you Mrs. Motorola Man. Tell him I said, "Hello, Moto," too, and a good kooooooooodo to you as well.

Seriously, that's way too many catchphrases crammed into the end of one commercial. And when I say one commercial, I mean all of their commercials. Maybe I just need to stop listening to the radios, but I fucking hate those commercials.

The Big Bang Theory

Okay, so I've heard varying opinions on this show and I figured it was high time I gave it a try.


I hate jumping into the middle of things, so I started at the beginning with the pilot which my best mate absolutely hated. And I concur. It was entirely too convoluted. Much of the science (which seems to be the big selling point to what I assume are non-scientists that want to look smart when they laugh at the "jokes") is taken way too far. Sheldon, the tall, skinny, socially inept "nerd," tends to spend most of his time expressing the logic inadequacy of human social interaction. In other words, he's a twat. I understand that his role is to hamper the honest main character, Leonard, but the secondary characters Howard (a self professed intellectual/loverboy) and Raj (who can't talk to girls).

Howard and Raj, the secondary characters, although extreme representations of actual personality types, are acceptable as over-the-top backup characters. Sheldon, however, appears to be entirely asexual, meaning that his interactions with Penny (the fulcrum of the story, God help us) are distant and standoffish. Furthermore, his interactions with his roommate begs the question why these two are even friends. I understand that Leonard needs friends. Howard is a total loser, but he brings a popular order of fun to the table (World of Warcraft, DDR, etc.). Raj is a down-to-earth friend to Leonard who, like many nerds, feels (and in this case physically is to make a point) unable to talk to girls (however, this fact is belaboured by reiteration). Leonard needs these friends. Sheldon, on the other hand, irritates Leonard and is the root of activities which Leonard is ashamed to admit that he participates in (if this was gay sex it would explain everything, not to mention make this show worth watching).

I may come back to Sheldon. He really bothers me.

Leonard seems to be trapped between a realistic portrayal of science fiction oriented intellectual and the description of "nerd" as presented by a wannabe frat boy that never made it into science or sports who just happened to open that science textbook under his can of Bud Light. He draws constant scientific analogies making sure to clearly state the discoverer of a particular theorem, he uses a lightsaber as a weapon and a flashlight, he plays Klingon Boggle, and is shy around the word "sex" but not the concept of copulation. This could easily be rectified if he showed the audience that he understood that his discourse with Penny, when scientifically charged and irrelevant, was inappropriate; just little asides from time to time: "Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle? Really?!" After all, he is supposed to have slightly better social skills than Sheldon.

The quick fix to Leonard and Sheldon is that they have to make science jokes for each other, not for the audience (who I promise don't get it... because there is nothing to get. Seriously, it's like,

"Rutherford's gold foil experiment?! I remember that shit from high school, dude! Ha ha! Funny funny shit, man..."
"He was talking about laundry."
"Yeah, but Rutherford... it's, heh, funny. Right?"

No, it's not fucking funny!). People that are actually scientifically inclined will make jokes that other people won't get. And here's the kicker: the characters have to laugh, not the laugh track. Science is rarely situationally funny; it is implicitly funny.

But back to the characters. Penny! What's her deal? "Ha ha, just ignore the big words... Keep smiling and wear low cut shirts and everyone will like me!" Seriously, girl. You don't need to have a Ph.D. but show a little bit of intelligence. What she needs to overlook is that Leonard and Sheldon don't understand how to carry out a normal conversation with a girl, not overlook their intelligence. When they get talking science, she doesn't need to pretend it's not happening, she needs to bring the boys back to normal conversation... exactly like that: "Boys! *hand lowers from eye level to chin level* Let's bring it back down to here, okay?" And then Leonard can smarten the fuck up and talk to her like a normal person.

I've blended the first episode into the second, so I'll make my distinction here. Episode 2 was less bad. I still didn't like it, but it wasn't near the total car crash that was the pilot (who produced that shit?!). It looks like maybe it will pick up a bit, but I have two major problems so far (besides the premise, characters, inapproprite gender representation and stereotypes, and the tasteless use of stereotypes of intellectuals... I don't have a list, but I should):

1. The intro. Jesus Christ is it bad. The flashy images don't even come close to matching the tempo of the music and is that Ed from BNL singing? Steven Page went to jail for possession of cocaine, but Ed truly sullied the name of the Barenaked Ladies if that's him.
2. The absolute crap commercial break CG atom thing. What the fuck is that? And what the fuck is this, the 1980s Lite? If you're going to tell me when a commercial is coming, at least have a member of the cast introduce the sponsors. Or, you know, fade to black like every normal fucking person! It's the little things.
3. I'm taking it one more subconcious level. Music. Where is it? It's distractingly absent. Listen to a show like Friends one time. When there is a scene change, there is a little music clip that automaticaly sets the mood. In fact, most every memorable TV series has some sort of music that is integrated into the show. Obviously the theme song is the bread in an awesome sandwich, but when you eat it (and thus actually enjoy it and digest it) the bread mixes with the meat of the sandwich and all the other necessary components. The Big Bang Theory is like a fiberglass sandwich and the music is the drywall that keeps it together. I suppose it keeps the network comfortable, but it does not feed the audience. I, for one, am hungry for entertainment.

(I know, it looks like 3 points, but my problems were really music and post-processing. Two problems, three examples.)

Hats

I wanted to get a picture for you, but I took a picture of the girl by the ghost stairs instead. Then the guys actually accused me of taking a picture of them. Them, whom this post is about, were sterling examples of how and how not to wear a hat.

The man closest to me chose to wear the hat on his head in the traditional manner. The man to his right chose to wear the hat 4 inches above his head in what may be an 'I don't care what you think' fashion which, in my opinion, conveys strong the message of 'I'm a twat.'

Once I figure out how to send myself pictures (and if it is covered in my contract*) I will upload the ghost stairs picture.


*When attempting to send picture my phone asks me to register. The message is as follows:

If your account is unused for 30 days, Bell Mobility may delete images stored using this service. By sending this message you agree to the

• Accept
• Decline

Agree to the.... agree to the.... Maybe I'll hold off on sending pictures.

I'm no expert...

So, I'm reading this article on legalizing marijuana and I don't think people have thought this one through very much.

First of all, I wouldn't consider Mexicans that sell weed a "cartel." Sure, you might seize a million pounds a year in a single state. If that's what you seized, how much pot do you think the Mexicans are bringing over? They'd have to be driving semi-trucks across the border full of marijuana. And for that kind of transportation, you'd have to be making a lot of trips to make it profitable. We're talking weekly deliveries. We're talking similar to large grocery stores. If this is the case, then sure, I can see one needing a cartel to keep that connected and running smoothly. But why not then do something radical like don't let the trucks full of drugs into the country! I know that you can't stop and search every truck that drives up from Mexico, but you can! How many truckfuls of Mexican produce come up every day? Can you really not tell whose camper is full of weed? It's the one with the leaves sticking out from under the big canvas tarp! As a guy who knows nothing about obtaining drugs, I still understand that weed is cheap. Kids buy it. I also understand that gasoline is not. So you have to transport a shit-ton of weed from Mexico to the US to make the distribution of it profitable. You have to have a warehouse to store it and distribute it to the dealers and the dealers have to travel from the warehouse (unless you make your truck make multiple deliveries which can generate suspicion and cost a lot in fuel). Then the warehouse takes and cut and the dealers take their cuts and the drivers take cuts... This isn't a lucrative sale. This is a promotional sale. This is the product that gets people to shop with you until they find the big ticket items. But being in a cartel is about not being known by the consumer (lest you be known by the police). However, if th cartel does use inexpensive weed as a segue into the harder, more profitable drugs a) don't lie to us and say that marijuana trafficking is a lucrative cartel-worthy business, and b) oh wait, you have to lie because if you said it was a way of getting kids started then legalizing it wouldn't be a solution and if you legalized one drug you would have to legalize them all.

The other thing no one considers is that illegality is the alure of drugs. It is an act of rebellion, and if the government says, "toke away, kids!" the kids would not oblige.

I gotta roll on out, but think about it.

Loblaws Hates America

Well, Canada, too. Down at the booze-office we've had our hours cut substantially due to the recession. Though I can't help but notice that rather than people buying less food and alcohol, they are actually buying more. The store is busier than ever. This is because middle aged people with real jobs understand that they might not be making as much and so food is more necessary than other things (the booze helps to forget).
I also went to the movies the other day. The Watchmen. Friday night. Opening weekend. Half a theatre. HALF! There hasn't been a movie worth seeing in 3 months and only half a theatre can be bothered to go see this one?
It is, you see, young people who go to see movies. It is young people who spend their money on on frivolous entertainment; the very foundation of the American economy. These young people work for The Man who is tightening his belt to keep his pants up against the weight of his wallet.

Loblaws can obviously afford to pay us more, but corporate greed keeps the money concentrated in a small few's hands. This is why we're in a recession. It's ironic how big business is the thing which America prides itself the most on while it simultaneously is the only thing that can bring it down.

So, dear Man, give the kids some money and restore the economy.

The Food Exchange

Flat out, mega-stores should not sell perishables. This is just ridiculous. You shopping trolley should never contain a mix of fresh fruit and trousers. Wal-mart and Zellers and all those other huge stores that were not created for fresh food sales can go suck a letterbomb (a figure of speech).

The only mega-store that I can accept the sale of perishable foods is Cost-Co, purely by virtue of scale. You cannot buy a single apple. You purchase all perishables in some large quantity. These are utility foods, not personal foods. They feed numbers, not people.

However, single fruits are to serve to individual people. People that are not numbers. Non-numeric people may consume non-numeric quantities of fruit; an apple, or a couple of apples. Maybe even several apples. Not a 10 pound box of apples, nor a fraction there-of.

Now, of course, apples are the smallest of my worries. Apples are built to last. I ate an apple today I stored in my refrigerator for probably 3 weeks. Well done, apple.

Time, however, is less kind on my bananas, my peaches, my mangoes, mushrooms, carrots, peppers, lettuce, etc. These things go bad. They shrivel and mold and leak (the worst of them leak).

Let me get to the point. I want a banana. I may want another banana. I may want a banana tomorrow and Thursday and then again on Saturday. Then again, maybe not. I drive 15 minutes to the Superstore. Do I buy 5 bananas? What if I wanted 6? What if I eat that first banana and my body says, "Alex, your banana quota is filled for the week. Now, bring me an apricot."? Do I tell my body to fuck itself and eat a half dozen bananas because I have them? No.

1) Do not make enemies with your body. It will have it's revenge. See Diets and Exercise.
2) Maybe I'll want bananas in my cereal on Sunday. Wouldn't that suck if I forced myself to eat them all by Saturday?

So what's the problem? Grocery mega-stores. You build them so big that they have to be at least 20km away from one another, which means there is always someone who has to drive a few minutes down the road just to get their goddamn bananas.

I know what you're thinking: "'A few minutes! Wah wah, I want my banana!' Grow a pair, already."

Fuck you.

Either I buy so much that it goes bad, or I'm driving every other day to make $15 purchases and in doing so directly contribute to road traffic and long lines at the grocery store, the very thing all you bitches hate, not to mention the environmental impact that all of you non-bitches are properly concerned about.

I miss the days of the local grocery store. Sure, the selection wasn't great and they were expensive and they cost a bit more, but that's what the Superstores are for: to add the solutions. If you can't find it at your local store (which carries bananas and apples and peaches and mushrooms and not dragonfruit or papayas or plantains or African horned melons...) then you can go look for it at the Superstore.

I hear you guys again: "Why not just have it all at the Superstore and you can go to 7-11 for your bananas?"

First, 7-11 is not a particularly food safe environment. Second, their fruit has 2 moves: apple or banana. I like all of the fruits and vegetables that a normal 5 year old can name. Third, there still isn't a 7-11 within reasonable walking distance for a banana.

Back to my point. By minimizing the "individual fruit/vegetable" sections you expand the diversity of the rest of your store. For example, the Superstore may actually carry some fucking water chestnuts! I can buy a can of pennyworth.... drink (juice?) imported from Thailand that takes like springtime faceplant and that no one has ever heard of, but I can't get a little tin of water fucking chestnuts!

You know those kind of white crispy round deals you find in Asian stir-frys?
Those are water chestnuts.
They are great.

And you know who had them, Superstore? That's right, my goddamn local grocery store.

So what do we get out of it? We get fucked out of water chestnuts, bar soap, and the variety of deodorant that pretty girl told you she liked! Although I probably can't blame that last one on the grocery store.