Checkpoint

It's been a couple of months, but I have come to a checkmark that makes me feel kind of good.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Jesus Christ, what does that kid eat?!"

My answer to that is "None of that shit!" I personally am amazed that I have avoided that much fat in a few short months. It's been a little under three months and I have avoided placing almost 3/4 of a litre of fat in my body. That's about a pound and a half.

That's actually a little misleading, isn't it. A pound and a half doesn't sound like that much, but when I think about trying to hide that jar under my shirt, I get grossed out. Imagine that inside my body! Fuck that, man.

If you think the idea of keeping a fat jar is gross, imagine two things. One: imagine that you didn't pour that out of your food, and you ate it instead. Or, Two: imagine that sitting in your drain pipe. You can't pour that shit down the sink! It's oil! It will not wash away! I only make such a fuss out of this because I've met people who ask me what the fuck I'm doing when I collect grease in a jar or a can or a disposable cup. Some people are just plain stupid.

Bad Arguments

Give give it a little bit of thought.
Now, I'm no scientist, but I did complete high school. Isn't methane flammable? And for that matter, isn't butane? I mean, that's what makes it so good for lighting on fire.

See if you can follow this reaction.
CH4 (methane) + 2 O2 -> 2 H20 + CO2 + energy
Or, hell, this one:
2 C4H10 (butane) + 13 O2 -> 10 H2O + 8 CO2 + energy
We can even go crazy and say,
2 CH3OH (methanol) + 3 O2 -> 4 H2O + 2 CO2 + energy

It seems to me that we exhale CO2, so we breathe it in naturally from our atmosphere. And inhaling water vapour never really hurt anyone. Seems to me you put three incredibly clean burning fuels on your list. Bad argument.

After all, we're not afraid of inhaling the fumes from our lighter, sewer gas (you inhale methane when you're in the shitter, get over yourself), or from a candle! How dumb do you have to be to not understand that when you burn a candle, the stearic acid they claim is in it burns into the atmosphere you breathe!

It seems to me that cigarettes are most dangerous when eaten. I know these people aren't smokers, but ignition is a vital part of the smoking process.

And finally, if you think all those "chemicals" are bad for you, you're not quite getting it. Chemicals aren't bad. Everything is made of chemicals (acetic acid is vinegar. You put it on your fries). Some chemicals are in other weird shit, but if that puts you off smoking, check this out.

I'm not pro-smoking, or anti-smoking. Do what you want. If it's not affecting other people, whose business is it? And if you want to talk about the smell, let me know and I'll prepare a lecture on perfumes.

Winter Home

So, I'm back in the winter home for, well, the winter. I keep telling myself that I'll have so much more time because I... to be honest, I have no idea how I think I will have more time. Maybe it's just that I'll have more space to spread out. That was my biggest problem back home. It's actually nice to have to enter a different room to play video games after you wake up. It's good to have to walk through rooms to get to things rather than over things to get through rooms.

There is, however, a terrible drawback. I have to start all over again. I need to get my setup right and stock food. I own a bag of crisps and a 7-up. That'll have to last me until breakfast tomorrow. Then hopefully I can buy my weight in groceries.

The biggest change this year will be not having my best friend Thom living so close. I think it might get a bit lonely without hanging out on DnD Tuesday, or bailing on classes for a bro day when the weather is shit. All that space is good for my things, but it could use some friends to fill it out.

Words and Sounds

As a general rule of thumb, I believe that it is discourteous to produce a sound from your mouth that cannot be spelt.

T'ch is the best facsimile I can use to describe the sound that this girl consistently makes after every mouthful of food she packs into her gob as well as every time she talks, which is entirely too often. It's as if there is residual food in her mouth that she takes every opportunity to suck down. Maybe the noise knocks it loose.

Old People

I know I'm about to sound like "kids these days," but fucking old people.

Seriously, I know that you're old and all, but I don't think we should stand up for their shit any longer. I have places to be and things to do. Life moves fast, and while some things are meant to be enjoyed, some things are meant to get fucking done.

They always say that they were like us when they were young, and that they reached a certain age where they realized none of that matters and that you have to enjoy the little things in life; take your time, no hurry, you'll get there when you get there.

Well I won't fucking get there unless you hurry your old ass up. The reason things don't matter at your age is because you're retired. If lunch takes you all day, what did you miss? Nothing! I have half an hour for lunch and I don't want to spend half of it standing behind you because you can't decide whether you want Homestyle or Grilled chicken. You've had 40 years to decide whether you want Homestyle or Grilled chicken!

If you can't decide then move out of the way. I want a medium Combo #7 with a Fruitopia to go. I'll pay with debit because I know I don't have the change.

Desensitized

I've come to the conclusion that people are twats and desensitization is a good thing. This is not to be confused with bastardification.

Let me give you an example. We eat me, or at least a lot of us do. That meat comes from a living, breathing, and yes, thinking and feeling animal. It wants to live and hurts when it is killed. This is a fact of life. It's the food chain. We kill things and we eat them. Being humane isn't about not doing what we're designed to do because something gets hurt. Being humane is about being respectful for the life that ended to keep yours going. Look at most wild animals. A dog will shake the bejesus out of its prey to break its neck. A cat will go for the jugular to bleed it out as fast as possible. Given the tools that they have, this is a very good way to do it. It is the humane way to do it.

So understanding that animals are killed, bled out, cut into pieces and shipped to your grocer is something that I think is positive quality. Being able to see it and watch it and understand its necessity (for what portion of the process is entirely necessary. I do understand that a degree of slaughtering animals is a cost/time analysis) makes us better people because it keeps us from being ignorant. Enjoying it is another story. That's being a bastard.

That being said, if watching that sort of thing turns you off meat all together, then you're appropriately sensitive. What bothers me is the people who are bothered by killing animals but are comfortable eating them. It's the cold truth about the world that allows us to demand to make it better. If you disagree with killing animals but want to eat them then I urge you to tell someone how to kill animals without it being uncomfortable for you. The fact is, you can't do it. And if you say, "oh, just wait for them to die on their own" be prepared for less meat to cost way more. Animals that die on their own die in one of 4 ways, in order of likelihood:

1. killed by another animal
2. get sick and die
3. die in an accident,
4. or die of old age.

The maximum yield of meat from these events is thus

1. none (another animal ate it)
2. none (it's diseased. Unless you want to eat "we think we cooked what killed it out of it" beef)
3. variable (depends when you find it)
4. about half of what it could be (ever notice how old people are a lot skinnier than younger people?)

So stop whining about how we have to kill animals while you're busy grilling up another delicious steak. It's the circle of life.

If you don't like the meat debate, how about the encouraged desensitization we go through constantly? What about war? You can't watch an animal be killed for food but you can support the slaughter of a nation of people who aren't even necessarily fighting a cause, but are defending their country? How about our desensitization toward our fellow man? We hear about countless violent crimes every day and all we do is lock our doors. If you gave a shit about "humanity" you'd do something to stop it. If you cared about every life you wouldn't only be looking out for yourself. Start a neighbourhood watch. Investigate the crime. Make sure these criminals are put away. Feed the hungry. House the homeless. Hell, start small and give those cold bastards waiting for the bus a lift in your toasty 8 seater SUV.

Oh, I forgot you're doing your part by having a "fuel efficient" SUV. You're a real humanitarian.

Calories and Why We Need Them

People are always on about how much work it takes to burn off calories, but very seldom do people actually consider how many calories it takes just to stay alive.

Now, I'm not a biologist by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know a thing or two about the conservation of energy. I also observe that the human body has a number of moving parts that are always moving. Your heart is always beating. Your lungs are always breathing. People talk about walking for 30 minutes to burn off this or that, but no one considers pumping 5 litres of blood through your entire body for 1440 minutes a day. And let's not forget breathing. Think about how often you breathe. Only all the time. I mean, try replicating that outside of your body. You will get fucking tired, my friend. But guess what? Your body does that all day every day for your entire life.

My point is the function of eating is to fuel the body's necessary functions. When you eat a hamburger and think "fuck, I have to run for 3 hours to burn off that hamburger," then you haven't done anything at all. Your net calorie gain is zero, which means none of that hamburger has contributed to the energy needed to keep you alive. You've wasted a hamburger!

Ego

I was relieved to find out the other day that my self esteem issues are no more. In the past rejection would lead me to believe there was something the matter with me, something that needed to be corrected. But now i can safely say beyond any doubt that I'm pretty awesome. I'm not the greatest guy in the world, but I'm certainly not the worst.

But what I worry is that I've gone from thinking too little of myself to thinking too much of myself; as if I have all of the answers to everything for everyone. Sure, there are some things like forcing the homeless into employment and putting turnstiles at the LRT stations to more strictly enforce payment and generate revenue, but those are large scale problems that have their own endless subset lists of individual problems, which I'm sure I could deal with in a very stern "fuck you if you don't follow the rules" manner.

However, there are people's personal problems that I seem to think I have the answers to as well. Some people agree with my solutions and some people reject them very strongly. My buddy got a second job as a clerk the other day. Well done. You gotta push through this recession. You can't afford to be picky. In the words of Meat Loaf "You don't have a lot, but it's all that you've got, and you can turn it into more than it seems." It confuses me that some people don't accept this philosophy.

I don't know, there's a time to be picky and there's a time where you need to accept things as they come. For example, 5 years ago you could reject a job because your heart wasn't in it or the money wasn't there. Now, take the fucking job! 2 years ago you could shop around for the right location to live, the right price, the right people. Now, you will live in shit-central with a meth dealer because it's better than being on the street. Six months ago you could go anywhere, see anything, be anyone. You could afford all of that. The world was nothing but possibilities. Now all we have is each other.

But that's just me. I figured it was just normal. Automatic. I understand how people can put their careers ahead of other people. A career can be what defines a person in their eyes. But when the kitchen is out of steak you don't sit there and starve! At least I wouldn't. I suppose some people really like steak...

Ingestion

There are a lot of social get-togethers, I find, that revolve around the process of ingestion. I wonder what it is about ingestion that seems so agreeable for two people to experience together. I contemplated briefly, even, to experiment whether or not this sentiment is universally recognized by asking someone if they were interested in some form of ingestion with me. I immediately thought better, despite the misnomer being rather hilarious.

But it got me thinking that there are essentially 5 categories of ingestion with different levels of implications.

1. Dinner. Dinner is the traditional date style of ingestion. There are romantic implications here, probably because dinner marks the apex of an evening and, more importantly, the precursor to the night. This can last on the order of a couple of hours at its lengthiest indicating a certain level of commitment when agreed upon. We can see clearly that "dinner" is a concept reserved between men and women, where as "something to eat" after 4:00 is the pastime of two heterosexual dudes.
   
2. Coffee. There has been a trend lately to ditch the traditional date style which is an aggressive step that men take in their efforts to court women to a more passive and feminine approach. However, men have exploited and usurped this icon of female bonding. "Coffee," while innocent on first impression, is merely a flanking assault performed by men. Two men do not "go for coffee" regardless of their proximity to each other while consuming it. The emphasis for two men to have coffee at the same time is to have the coffee. The emphasis for two women to have coffee together is to be together. The emphasis for a man to ask a woman to "go for coffee" is the go.
3. Drinks. Ahh, alcohol. It may not be the classiest approach, but this ritual is older than time itself. Alcohol=Impaired Judgement. Impaired Judgement=Mistakes. Mistakes=You. Hey, it might not be a mistake, but it greases the wheels, if you know what I mean. Girls are rightfully defensive of their bodies (or at least they should be), but sometimes time and romance aren't enough to break down those walls. However, this tradition is not solely about sex. It is also a matter of breaking down personal barriers which people build between themselves and strangers. Alcohol doesn't make information seem like a good idea, but rather makes everyone around you a lot less strange. To put it another way, two drunk people have a lot more in common than two people. That being said, this form of ingestion is one of the least romantically inclined, as two entirely heterosexual men can suggest "we should go for a drink" or even "do you want to go for a drink?"
4. Breakfast. Talk about a loaded meal. What with the pancakes and the extra side of bacon and the night before lingering overhead. There are three different ways for one to arrive at a breakfast establishment: 1-"Do Breakfast" 2-"Get Breakfast" 3-"Have Breakfast". The differences between these may seem subtle, but are immensely great. To "Do breakfast" is to have an awkwardly platonic but not entirely business-like meeting in the A.M. Young, exciting, excitable up-and-coming businessmen from the 80s would "do breakfast." They want to become your friend fast because they want something from you they haven't received yet. Breakfast is a very personal meal, after all. Now, to "Get Breakfast" is a much safer suggestion. This is what two or more people might suggest after (or in the middle of) a really good party. The adjective "fuckin' " is usually dropped in this suggestion one or more times. To "Have Breakfast" on the other hand, is to have experienced a night together, regardless of sexual conduct, in hopes that sexual conduct will happen in the future. To "Have Breakfast" is to share a special morning with someone in the hopes that a similar (if not greater) evening will once again occur to spark another enjoyable breakfast. A good "Have Breakfast" is a lure, and Bailey's French Toast is my idea. Back off.
5. Lunch. The final and safest form of ingestion that one can be asked to. Situated in the middle of the day, there are a great number of activities that could stem from or cut short this timid meal. One could, after having lunch, engage their lunch partner in a number of activities, or could choose to part for other (fictional?) obligations. However, this leaves no hard feelings. Lunch is an ingestional ceremony shared by all. Many institutions have lunch rooms for exactly this kind of professional/social rendezvous. Though this does not restrict this form of ingestion to be without romantic interest, simply without immediate romantic intent.

I hope this short list has been an educational read for the gentlemen in finding the right form of ingestion to offer a lady, and to the ladies attempting to decipher the intent of a proposal for ingestion. Though, not that you need my help.

The Big Bang Theory

Okay, so I've heard varying opinions on this show and I figured it was high time I gave it a try.


I hate jumping into the middle of things, so I started at the beginning with the pilot which my best mate absolutely hated. And I concur. It was entirely too convoluted. Much of the science (which seems to be the big selling point to what I assume are non-scientists that want to look smart when they laugh at the "jokes") is taken way too far. Sheldon, the tall, skinny, socially inept "nerd," tends to spend most of his time expressing the logic inadequacy of human social interaction. In other words, he's a twat. I understand that his role is to hamper the honest main character, Leonard, but the secondary characters Howard (a self professed intellectual/loverboy) and Raj (who can't talk to girls).

Howard and Raj, the secondary characters, although extreme representations of actual personality types, are acceptable as over-the-top backup characters. Sheldon, however, appears to be entirely asexual, meaning that his interactions with Penny (the fulcrum of the story, God help us) are distant and standoffish. Furthermore, his interactions with his roommate begs the question why these two are even friends. I understand that Leonard needs friends. Howard is a total loser, but he brings a popular order of fun to the table (World of Warcraft, DDR, etc.). Raj is a down-to-earth friend to Leonard who, like many nerds, feels (and in this case physically is to make a point) unable to talk to girls (however, this fact is belaboured by reiteration). Leonard needs these friends. Sheldon, on the other hand, irritates Leonard and is the root of activities which Leonard is ashamed to admit that he participates in (if this was gay sex it would explain everything, not to mention make this show worth watching).

I may come back to Sheldon. He really bothers me.

Leonard seems to be trapped between a realistic portrayal of science fiction oriented intellectual and the description of "nerd" as presented by a wannabe frat boy that never made it into science or sports who just happened to open that science textbook under his can of Bud Light. He draws constant scientific analogies making sure to clearly state the discoverer of a particular theorem, he uses a lightsaber as a weapon and a flashlight, he plays Klingon Boggle, and is shy around the word "sex" but not the concept of copulation. This could easily be rectified if he showed the audience that he understood that his discourse with Penny, when scientifically charged and irrelevant, was inappropriate; just little asides from time to time: "Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle? Really?!" After all, he is supposed to have slightly better social skills than Sheldon.

The quick fix to Leonard and Sheldon is that they have to make science jokes for each other, not for the audience (who I promise don't get it... because there is nothing to get. Seriously, it's like,

"Rutherford's gold foil experiment?! I remember that shit from high school, dude! Ha ha! Funny funny shit, man..."
"He was talking about laundry."
"Yeah, but Rutherford... it's, heh, funny. Right?"

No, it's not fucking funny!). People that are actually scientifically inclined will make jokes that other people won't get. And here's the kicker: the characters have to laugh, not the laugh track. Science is rarely situationally funny; it is implicitly funny.

But back to the characters. Penny! What's her deal? "Ha ha, just ignore the big words... Keep smiling and wear low cut shirts and everyone will like me!" Seriously, girl. You don't need to have a Ph.D. but show a little bit of intelligence. What she needs to overlook is that Leonard and Sheldon don't understand how to carry out a normal conversation with a girl, not overlook their intelligence. When they get talking science, she doesn't need to pretend it's not happening, she needs to bring the boys back to normal conversation... exactly like that: "Boys! *hand lowers from eye level to chin level* Let's bring it back down to here, okay?" And then Leonard can smarten the fuck up and talk to her like a normal person.

I've blended the first episode into the second, so I'll make my distinction here. Episode 2 was less bad. I still didn't like it, but it wasn't near the total car crash that was the pilot (who produced that shit?!). It looks like maybe it will pick up a bit, but I have two major problems so far (besides the premise, characters, inapproprite gender representation and stereotypes, and the tasteless use of stereotypes of intellectuals... I don't have a list, but I should):

1. The intro. Jesus Christ is it bad. The flashy images don't even come close to matching the tempo of the music and is that Ed from BNL singing? Steven Page went to jail for possession of cocaine, but Ed truly sullied the name of the Barenaked Ladies if that's him.
2. The absolute crap commercial break CG atom thing. What the fuck is that? And what the fuck is this, the 1980s Lite? If you're going to tell me when a commercial is coming, at least have a member of the cast introduce the sponsors. Or, you know, fade to black like every normal fucking person! It's the little things.
3. I'm taking it one more subconcious level. Music. Where is it? It's distractingly absent. Listen to a show like Friends one time. When there is a scene change, there is a little music clip that automaticaly sets the mood. In fact, most every memorable TV series has some sort of music that is integrated into the show. Obviously the theme song is the bread in an awesome sandwich, but when you eat it (and thus actually enjoy it and digest it) the bread mixes with the meat of the sandwich and all the other necessary components. The Big Bang Theory is like a fiberglass sandwich and the music is the drywall that keeps it together. I suppose it keeps the network comfortable, but it does not feed the audience. I, for one, am hungry for entertainment.

(I know, it looks like 3 points, but my problems were really music and post-processing. Two problems, three examples.)

I know what you're thinking

Breakfast? Seriously? Where are your priorities?

I will show you my priorities.

Pro-Meat is Pro-Life

I don't think animal rights activists really get it sometimes. Like any good cause, there are some people that take it too far. I think that people that want to have humanity abandon their meat-eating ways don't quite understand what they're asking.

Most livestock isn't bred for its resilience in the natural world. Cows specifically have a difficult time not being eaten, whether it be by people or by wild animals. It is, in fact, people that keep cows alive by protecting them from the real world. Sure, it's just so we can murder them later, but at least they get to live their lives. Cows would soon become extinct if they were abandoned as livestock because they no longer fit into the outside eco-system.

Yes, cows were at one point capable of surviving the wild. But so were people. People wouldn't last a week in the wild without technology. What about those survival guys on the Discovery Channel, you ask? One word: Gortex. Just because they don't have an SUV doesn't mean they are separate from technology. Man would die without shelter, clothing and weapons. Cows would die without fences.

Things do, however, need to change. Just because the purpose of breeding cows is to eat doesn't mean that they should suffer in feed lots. At least try and simulate a naturally safe world. This is what we should be striving for. As for all of you hardcore "meat is murder" people, just be thankful that we don't domesticate more animals to eat. We totally could.

The Food Exchange

Flat out, mega-stores should not sell perishables. This is just ridiculous. You shopping trolley should never contain a mix of fresh fruit and trousers. Wal-mart and Zellers and all those other huge stores that were not created for fresh food sales can go suck a letterbomb (a figure of speech).

The only mega-store that I can accept the sale of perishable foods is Cost-Co, purely by virtue of scale. You cannot buy a single apple. You purchase all perishables in some large quantity. These are utility foods, not personal foods. They feed numbers, not people.

However, single fruits are to serve to individual people. People that are not numbers. Non-numeric people may consume non-numeric quantities of fruit; an apple, or a couple of apples. Maybe even several apples. Not a 10 pound box of apples, nor a fraction there-of.

Now, of course, apples are the smallest of my worries. Apples are built to last. I ate an apple today I stored in my refrigerator for probably 3 weeks. Well done, apple.

Time, however, is less kind on my bananas, my peaches, my mangoes, mushrooms, carrots, peppers, lettuce, etc. These things go bad. They shrivel and mold and leak (the worst of them leak).

Let me get to the point. I want a banana. I may want another banana. I may want a banana tomorrow and Thursday and then again on Saturday. Then again, maybe not. I drive 15 minutes to the Superstore. Do I buy 5 bananas? What if I wanted 6? What if I eat that first banana and my body says, "Alex, your banana quota is filled for the week. Now, bring me an apricot."? Do I tell my body to fuck itself and eat a half dozen bananas because I have them? No.

1) Do not make enemies with your body. It will have it's revenge. See Diets and Exercise.
2) Maybe I'll want bananas in my cereal on Sunday. Wouldn't that suck if I forced myself to eat them all by Saturday?

So what's the problem? Grocery mega-stores. You build them so big that they have to be at least 20km away from one another, which means there is always someone who has to drive a few minutes down the road just to get their goddamn bananas.

I know what you're thinking: "'A few minutes! Wah wah, I want my banana!' Grow a pair, already."

Fuck you.

Either I buy so much that it goes bad, or I'm driving every other day to make $15 purchases and in doing so directly contribute to road traffic and long lines at the grocery store, the very thing all you bitches hate, not to mention the environmental impact that all of you non-bitches are properly concerned about.

I miss the days of the local grocery store. Sure, the selection wasn't great and they were expensive and they cost a bit more, but that's what the Superstores are for: to add the solutions. If you can't find it at your local store (which carries bananas and apples and peaches and mushrooms and not dragonfruit or papayas or plantains or African horned melons...) then you can go look for it at the Superstore.

I hear you guys again: "Why not just have it all at the Superstore and you can go to 7-11 for your bananas?"

First, 7-11 is not a particularly food safe environment. Second, their fruit has 2 moves: apple or banana. I like all of the fruits and vegetables that a normal 5 year old can name. Third, there still isn't a 7-11 within reasonable walking distance for a banana.

Back to my point. By minimizing the "individual fruit/vegetable" sections you expand the diversity of the rest of your store. For example, the Superstore may actually carry some fucking water chestnuts! I can buy a can of pennyworth.... drink (juice?) imported from Thailand that takes like springtime faceplant and that no one has ever heard of, but I can't get a little tin of water fucking chestnuts!

You know those kind of white crispy round deals you find in Asian stir-frys?
Those are water chestnuts.
They are great.

And you know who had them, Superstore? That's right, my goddamn local grocery store.

So what do we get out of it? We get fucked out of water chestnuts, bar soap, and the variety of deodorant that pretty girl told you she liked! Although I probably can't blame that last one on the grocery store.