Hipsters.
I hate hipsters so much that it puts World War 2 into a whole new perspective. Just replace "Jew" with "Hipster" and I'm pretty much on board.
The real problem is, it's only going to get worse. We're losing the war here, cool 90's kids. Kids these days just don't understand that no amount of consumer whoring (and yes, when you only buy organic foods and fair trade coffee, you're still a consumer whore since a. those are niche markets that exist because hipsters are willing to pay through the nose for the social stigma and b. you still wear $300 of trendy brand name clothes) is going to make you an awesome person. You've gotta be awesome all on your own. That's what makes a timeless good dude.
My message to the kids today is this: The funkiest disco king is now your orthodontist.
Showing posts with label people I hate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people I hate. Show all posts
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
People I Hate Part 9
Askholes.
People who ask questions over and over. Why do they always come into my store?
"This bottle? Is it sweet?"
"Yes, it will be a bit sweeter?"
"It's sweet?"
"Yes."
"Sveit!?"
Yes, it's fucking sweet! Jesus H. On a related note, at what point do Eastern Europeans go from being a rather attractive people to people you can't fucking stand? Is there any transitional period, or do they just all of a sudden go from good-looking party-goers to arrogant old people? Maybe cool Eastern Europeans are a new breed and we just have to wait for all the jerks to die off before we get cool old Eastern Europeans.
In fact, I think old people in general are just irritating. Most askholes are old people.
"7.99?"
"7.99."
"It's 7.99?"
"7.99."
"Yes."
"How about this one?" picking up the the same label.
"It's also 7.99." pointing at the sign.
"They're both 7.99."
"Which one is better?"
"Well, it depends what kind you like."
"Okay."
Pause.
"7.99."
"Which one you drink?"
"The shiraz."
"Iz bettir?"
"Yes! Fuck!"
I don't actually say this, and in no way endorse shiraz over any other variety of wine, but that's pretty much how these conversations go. Also, yes, as my anger increases, this couple becomes more and more Eastern European.
People who ask questions over and over. Why do they always come into my store?
"This bottle? Is it sweet?"
"Yes, it will be a bit sweeter?"
"It's sweet?"
"Yes."
"Sveit!?"
Yes, it's fucking sweet! Jesus H. On a related note, at what point do Eastern Europeans go from being a rather attractive people to people you can't fucking stand? Is there any transitional period, or do they just all of a sudden go from good-looking party-goers to arrogant old people? Maybe cool Eastern Europeans are a new breed and we just have to wait for all the jerks to die off before we get cool old Eastern Europeans.
In fact, I think old people in general are just irritating. Most askholes are old people.
"7.99?"
"7.99."
"It's 7.99?"
"7.99."
"Yes."
"How about this one?" picking up the the same label.
"It's also 7.99." pointing at the sign.
"They're both 7.99."
"Which one is better?"
"Well, it depends what kind you like."
"Okay."
Pause.
"7.99."
"Which one you drink?"
"The shiraz."
"Iz bettir?"
"Yes! Fuck!"
I don't actually say this, and in no way endorse shiraz over any other variety of wine, but that's pretty much how these conversations go. Also, yes, as my anger increases, this couple becomes more and more Eastern European.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
People I Hate Part 7 Part 2
Neuroscientists.
Maybe I shouldn't hate them as much as I do. Neuroscientists are much like polio inoculations. They cause you pain and discomfort and put you out of commission for a few weeks while you feel like complete and utter shit, but in the end, well, you don't have polio.
So, as much as I hate you, neuroscientists (specifically from the University of Lethbridge), and as much as I never want to have anything to do with you ever again, I have to say "thank you." I'm feeling a lot better now.
Maybe I shouldn't hate them as much as I do. Neuroscientists are much like polio inoculations. They cause you pain and discomfort and put you out of commission for a few weeks while you feel like complete and utter shit, but in the end, well, you don't have polio.
So, as much as I hate you, neuroscientists (specifically from the University of Lethbridge), and as much as I never want to have anything to do with you ever again, I have to say "thank you." I'm feeling a lot better now.
People I Hate Part 8
Motherfuckers.
Sorry, I just needed to get that out there. The motherfuckers I'm talking about specifically today are petty thieves.
It's one thing when the natives come in and try to swipe a bottle of rye because they can't afford to pay for it because- nevermind. I'm not trying to pick on the natives here. Maybe it's racist, but when a trashy native comes in to steal from me, I expect it. It's a game. Hell, even when white bums come in to steal from me, I get it; they're homeless. When you don't have much in this world and you drift from fix to fix, I understand that it's hard to get out of that cycle. It's hard to clean up, sober up, and become a functioning member of society (again).
What really pisses me off is when motherfuckers come in to steal when they already have shit. When black kids come in with their hundred dollar jeans, designer oversized t-shirts, likely uncomfortable unbroken but most certainly overpriced hats tilted to a superfluous angle... when they come in and feel like they are entitled to take a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff (grow at least one testicle) it sends me into a self righteous rage. I used the black kids as an example that has happened to me in the past. But, again, I'm not trying to pick on the black kids. Half of them are on the level. A more recent account is when a disgusting middle aged white trash motherfucker came in yesterday and tried to steal a bottle of Captain Morgan's... that was on sale.
This motherfucker not only put the bottle down his pants (inside his underwear, no less.... what a fucking asshole) while on a camera that displayed on the sales floor, but also didn't do a very good job because I could see the fucking bottle through his shirt. The cherry on top? Motherfucker was talking on his cell phone.
Just who the fuck does he think he is?! You can afford that shit and it's on sale. What a motherfucker....
Sorry, I just needed to get that out there. The motherfuckers I'm talking about specifically today are petty thieves.
It's one thing when the natives come in and try to swipe a bottle of rye because they can't afford to pay for it because- nevermind. I'm not trying to pick on the natives here. Maybe it's racist, but when a trashy native comes in to steal from me, I expect it. It's a game. Hell, even when white bums come in to steal from me, I get it; they're homeless. When you don't have much in this world and you drift from fix to fix, I understand that it's hard to get out of that cycle. It's hard to clean up, sober up, and become a functioning member of society (again).
What really pisses me off is when motherfuckers come in to steal when they already have shit. When black kids come in with their hundred dollar jeans, designer oversized t-shirts, likely uncomfortable unbroken but most certainly overpriced hats tilted to a superfluous angle... when they come in and feel like they are entitled to take a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff (grow at least one testicle) it sends me into a self righteous rage. I used the black kids as an example that has happened to me in the past. But, again, I'm not trying to pick on the black kids. Half of them are on the level. A more recent account is when a disgusting middle aged white trash motherfucker came in yesterday and tried to steal a bottle of Captain Morgan's... that was on sale.
This motherfucker not only put the bottle down his pants (inside his underwear, no less.... what a fucking asshole) while on a camera that displayed on the sales floor, but also didn't do a very good job because I could see the fucking bottle through his shirt. The cherry on top? Motherfucker was talking on his cell phone.
Just who the fuck does he think he is?! You can afford that shit and it's on sale. What a motherfucker....
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
People I Hate Part 6
People who think that something is the greatest thing ever every couple of months.
"Oh man, I want to play Warcraft so bad! Let's spend some money, move to a new server, join a guild, do some raids and generally be awesome! I'll make a schedule and we can play all the time and in no way will I ever bail for no good reason! I know I can afford it for reals this time!"
"Guys, we all have to buy Little Big Planet and make a new level every week and we'll all play together and be part of this big online community and people will love us and our levels will be awesome and we won't even have to hang out for reals because we have the internet!"
"The fixed Warcraft, so we all need to play again, and it'll be great and we can play all the old content again, but it'll be new, and we can make new characters and get into raids with our old characters and I promise I have time to play now and I'll save money by playing Warcraft instead of not playing and it's the greatest game ever and you know it and let's all play right now so I can find it boring, repetitive, expensive and broken again in a couple of months! C'mon, guys! Play, god damn it!"
"Oh man, I want to play Warcraft so bad! Let's spend some money, move to a new server, join a guild, do some raids and generally be awesome! I'll make a schedule and we can play all the time and in no way will I ever bail for no good reason! I know I can afford it for reals this time!"
"Guys, we all have to buy Little Big Planet and make a new level every week and we'll all play together and be part of this big online community and people will love us and our levels will be awesome and we won't even have to hang out for reals because we have the internet!"
"The fixed Warcraft, so we all need to play again, and it'll be great and we can play all the old content again, but it'll be new, and we can make new characters and get into raids with our old characters and I promise I have time to play now and I'll save money by playing Warcraft instead of not playing and it's the greatest game ever and you know it and let's all play right now so I can find it boring, repetitive, expensive and broken again in a couple of months! C'mon, guys! Play, god damn it!"
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
People I Hate Part 5
People who say "Ciao!"
Go fuck yourselves.
You're not Italian, and you sure as shit don't actually speak fucking Italian, so get off your high horse, tone down the pomposity, and stop acting like you're so fucking worldly because you say goodbye the way the Italians do!
After a little wiki-research I have found that a number of cultures use a similar sounding word to say goodbye, but it still doesn't make you fucking worldly! Just because you've been somewhere doesn't mean you're suddenly a part of that culture. You're still a North American, and your still an asshole.
In fact, the part that makes you an asshole is that everybody fucking does it. "Ciao" is so prevalent in our society that some sources would say that the word has been adopted into the English language, and that pisses me off.
I'm not afraid to be proud and say that we have a culture! We have a great number and variety of ways to say goodbye! We say goodbye, later, see ya, so long, talk to you later, peace, catch you on the flip side, and an incredible variety of deviations within that small list (see "catch you on the flippy floppy"). Ciao is not our word.
And if you are going to steal a parting phrase from another language, then pick something original! If someone said "auf wiedersehen" before they hung up, I'd let it go. I might even find the novelty entertaining! But seriously, "Ciao" has about as much novelty as Nicholas Cage.
I fucking bet Nick Cage says "ciao."
Go fuck yourselves.
You're not Italian, and you sure as shit don't actually speak fucking Italian, so get off your high horse, tone down the pomposity, and stop acting like you're so fucking worldly because you say goodbye the way the Italians do!
After a little wiki-research I have found that a number of cultures use a similar sounding word to say goodbye, but it still doesn't make you fucking worldly! Just because you've been somewhere doesn't mean you're suddenly a part of that culture. You're still a North American, and your still an asshole.
In fact, the part that makes you an asshole is that everybody fucking does it. "Ciao" is so prevalent in our society that some sources would say that the word has been adopted into the English language, and that pisses me off.
I'm not afraid to be proud and say that we have a culture! We have a great number and variety of ways to say goodbye! We say goodbye, later, see ya, so long, talk to you later, peace, catch you on the flip side, and an incredible variety of deviations within that small list (see "catch you on the flippy floppy"). Ciao is not our word.
And if you are going to steal a parting phrase from another language, then pick something original! If someone said "auf wiedersehen" before they hung up, I'd let it go. I might even find the novelty entertaining! But seriously, "Ciao" has about as much novelty as Nicholas Cage.
I fucking bet Nick Cage says "ciao."
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
People I Hate Part 4
(see People I Hate 1, 2, and 3)
People who can't wait 3 minutes for an IM response.
I'm fucking busy! Christ, it's not like I'm online just waiting to talk to you. I'm not just sitting idle hoping that someone out there will entertain me. I'm doing something! Don't ask me a fucking question and then take off because my response wasn't immediate.
And, yes, if I haven't responded in more than a half hour, I've forgotten about you! The conversation wasn't that engaging (because, like I have mentioned, I'm doing something else that is engaging), and/or I didn't get the notice that you said something new.
People who can't wait 3 minutes for an IM response.
I'm fucking busy! Christ, it's not like I'm online just waiting to talk to you. I'm not just sitting idle hoping that someone out there will entertain me. I'm doing something! Don't ask me a fucking question and then take off because my response wasn't immediate.
And, yes, if I haven't responded in more than a half hour, I've forgotten about you! The conversation wasn't that engaging (because, like I have mentioned, I'm doing something else that is engaging), and/or I didn't get the notice that you said something new.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
People I Hate
- Money droppers. Fuck you. You can hand me your money, or you can place it on the counter, but don't fucking throw it at me. I should start throwing change back.
- In-your-facers. You have a question, not something to prove. Your toes shouldn't touch mine when we are talking. It's not like you have a secret or we're trying not to wake the baby. We can talk at arm's length.
- "Where's the _____?" Just the opposite of the above. Shut the fuck up. If you haven't looked, try having a glance at our handy aisle signs. If you are still unsure, kindly approach an employee and ask. Notice how that did not include "yell from the other side of the store."
- Retards and the Pompous. First, don't tell me what shit is, what shit isn't, or what shit is supposed to be. It is what it fucking is. Don't come into my store and ask, "Hey, bro, where the cold beer at?" because we don't fucking have any. We've never had any. In the who knows how many decades this store has been open, we have never had cold beer. Are you fucking new to this? If so, politely ask if we have cold beer, and I will politely tell you we don't, never have, and never will so long as we live. Secondly, don't assume like wine is common knowledge or that you're so much fucking better for drinking it. When I say, "no, I don't really drink wine" don't keep asking me how they fucking taste. They taste like grape juice that's gone bad! It's a fucking retail job. It's like the people who expect cashiers to know the posted price of every product in a giant store. What, do you think I go home every night and try a new bottle of wine so I can have a professional opinion on it? It's like asking a cashier at the grocery store if the fish is any good, and when they say "yes" you ask if the chicken is better! You should know which you like better! These people clearly make me the maddest.
- That fucking foreign bitch from today.
Me (while at the till finishing running someone through): I'm sorry, what was that?
Foreigner: "Hkelp!" You dohn't no vat hkelp iss?!
My brain: Fuck you! You don't know what "get ze fuck out" iss? Schnell!
Me: ....
Foreigner: Chippe botil wïne.
Me: How much are you looking to spend?
Foreigner: Chippist botil.
Me: The Rossini. Right (fucking) here.
Foreigner: People (motions with hands) drink it?
Me: People mostly use it for cooking-
Foreigner: Cookink! What people drink? Vat else?
Me: We have Barefoot, red and white, $8.39.
Foreigner: Vat?
Me: Barefoot. $8.39. Aisle 4.
Foreigner: Where?!
Me: Aisle 4.
Foreigner: Vat?
Me: 4. Aisle 4.
(I go to help another customer at the till)
Foreigner: Vat khind?
Me: Barefoot. Aisle 4. Red and white.
I mean, jesus fucking christ, woman. You yell at me for not hearing you mumble behind my back and you can't comprehend one fucking word that comes out of my mouth! What's worse, she walks her cart down aisle 3 and makes a 15 minute phonecall! The icing? She didn't buy the fucking Barefoot after 45 minutes of shopping.
I don't know who you are, where you came from, or where you're going, but I hope you go die in a fire.
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