It just hit me the other day that I am old. I don't need a wheelchair or a colostomy bag, I don't need to watch my diet and get plenty of walks, but I am officially old.
To put it in another way, the world is progressing past me. It's the beginning of being left behind before the inevitable end where you are nothing but a memory. It occurred to me when I was looking for music on the radio. I don't want "Today's #1 Hits" or "Calgary's Hottest New Music" because all that shit is terrible! I look for 80's rock, or usually some sort of grab-bag like Jack has music from the 90s as well. A few days ago at work I switched it to classical because I didn't want to listen to Chad Kruger doing a remix with Nelly featuring R. Kelly and Lil' Wayne about growing up in a small town a missing girls who fuck like panthers but had emotional problems that he overlooked because he has financial wealth. That, ladies and gentlemen, pretty much sums up what new music is and why I hate it.
So, that's it. My days of being a youth are numbered. No more will my generation be defined as a culture of the current music. We are those who stand fast at the edge of the millennium and look out at the musical wasteland. Beneath the shrill cries of underaged girls we breathe;
"Kids these days..."
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Backup Strategies
I think the worst thing about backup strategies is that if you have doubts about the success of Plan A, what reason do you have to believe that Plan B will be anymore successful? Plan B is just as capable of failure as Plan A was. So why the hell have a Plan B? Or why not have an infinite regression of alternate plans?
What's worse is when you take a Plan A, swap it for Plan B, because Plan A seems bust, and then when Plan B fails you think you can resort to Plan A as your "Plan B". Well, guess what? It doesn't work that way. When life is in Fail-Mode, no amount of planning in the world can stop it.
My problem with the whole "wing it" strategy is that it lacks commitment. I want to commit. I want to turn things away because I'm already in something. It's kind of like those assignments in school that were completely open. When you can do anything you want, you can't ever think of what you want. There needs to be some restrictions, some limitations. There needs to be boundaries that can be pushed before you're really creating anything. Otherwise you're just making a big fucking mess.
What's worse is when you take a Plan A, swap it for Plan B, because Plan A seems bust, and then when Plan B fails you think you can resort to Plan A as your "Plan B". Well, guess what? It doesn't work that way. When life is in Fail-Mode, no amount of planning in the world can stop it.
My problem with the whole "wing it" strategy is that it lacks commitment. I want to commit. I want to turn things away because I'm already in something. It's kind of like those assignments in school that were completely open. When you can do anything you want, you can't ever think of what you want. There needs to be some restrictions, some limitations. There needs to be boundaries that can be pushed before you're really creating anything. Otherwise you're just making a big fucking mess.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Slim (or less so) Pickings
I have just come to the horrible realization that women are getting married.
There are only a certain number of women in the entire world who are my age. Now, while the acceptable age range grows, availability of women is decreasing at an exponential rate. Women are getting married, turning gay, dying, and becoming bitter, jaded shells of feigned human compassion everyday (see "Independent" Woman, or Female Dick). At any rate, there are fewer and fewer women available and once they're off the market they are almost always lost forever. They are a non-renewable resource until I can be frozen in time and awaken to an entirely new demographic; something which I would be very adamant against. I don't have anything in common with people who were born in 1989. I can't imagine what I wouldn't have in common with someone who were born in 2029.
Part of me says, "Shit, I gotta get on that," but there is the more prevalent problem that women don't look their age. It seems to me that women hit puberty and look anywhere from 15 to 28. Somewhere along the way to 28-hood, they suddenly become much older and fall into the 28-35 range. So I have no way of identifying a woman who is 23 with any degree of certainty that she isn't an old looking 17 year old. Similarly, I have no way of positively asserting that someone who appears to be 28 isn't actually 23.
Perhaps if I can break through the 28 year barrier I can enter a new and wonderful realm of sensible women in their early 30s who look and act their age. Unfortunately, I don't know if, at the age of 28, I'll be able to act mine.
There are only a certain number of women in the entire world who are my age. Now, while the acceptable age range grows, availability of women is decreasing at an exponential rate. Women are getting married, turning gay, dying, and becoming bitter, jaded shells of feigned human compassion everyday (see "Independent" Woman, or Female Dick). At any rate, there are fewer and fewer women available and once they're off the market they are almost always lost forever. They are a non-renewable resource until I can be frozen in time and awaken to an entirely new demographic; something which I would be very adamant against. I don't have anything in common with people who were born in 1989. I can't imagine what I wouldn't have in common with someone who were born in 2029.
Part of me says, "Shit, I gotta get on that," but there is the more prevalent problem that women don't look their age. It seems to me that women hit puberty and look anywhere from 15 to 28. Somewhere along the way to 28-hood, they suddenly become much older and fall into the 28-35 range. So I have no way of identifying a woman who is 23 with any degree of certainty that she isn't an old looking 17 year old. Similarly, I have no way of positively asserting that someone who appears to be 28 isn't actually 23.
Perhaps if I can break through the 28 year barrier I can enter a new and wonderful realm of sensible women in their early 30s who look and act their age. Unfortunately, I don't know if, at the age of 28, I'll be able to act mine.
Tax Reasons
I sometimes wonder if the money is worth it. I'm only in classes this semester still for tax reasons. I'll earn more from my tax returns than the classes have cost me if I stay in school. But sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. If I dropped out I could try and work full time and earn all that money back in no time. I guess I've just been trained not to drop out because of how it reflects on one's record (one wonders how my ex's record looks... or even how she managed to withdraw from so many classes in the same program...)
Maybe I just think it builds character to stick things out when they have a definite end. After all, learning never hurt anyone, right? Sometimes I wonder if that's really the case, though.
I guess in the end none of that matters. In a few weeks' time it'll all be over and then next semester will be loads of fun with Zack and then it'll be off to actually do the program I should have done from the start.
Maybe I just think it builds character to stick things out when they have a definite end. After all, learning never hurt anyone, right? Sometimes I wonder if that's really the case, though.
I guess in the end none of that matters. In a few weeks' time it'll all be over and then next semester will be loads of fun with Zack and then it'll be off to actually do the program I should have done from the start.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Winter Home
So, I'm back in the winter home for, well, the winter. I keep telling myself that I'll have so much more time because I... to be honest, I have no idea how I think I will have more time. Maybe it's just that I'll have more space to spread out. That was my biggest problem back home. It's actually nice to have to enter a different room to play video games after you wake up. It's good to have to walk through rooms to get to things rather than over things to get through rooms.
There is, however, a terrible drawback. I have to start all over again. I need to get my setup right and stock food. I own a bag of crisps and a 7-up. That'll have to last me until breakfast tomorrow. Then hopefully I can buy my weight in groceries.
The biggest change this year will be not having my best friend Thom living so close. I think it might get a bit lonely without hanging out on DnD Tuesday, or bailing on classes for a bro day when the weather is shit. All that space is good for my things, but it could use some friends to fill it out.
There is, however, a terrible drawback. I have to start all over again. I need to get my setup right and stock food. I own a bag of crisps and a 7-up. That'll have to last me until breakfast tomorrow. Then hopefully I can buy my weight in groceries.
The biggest change this year will be not having my best friend Thom living so close. I think it might get a bit lonely without hanging out on DnD Tuesday, or bailing on classes for a bro day when the weather is shit. All that space is good for my things, but it could use some friends to fill it out.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Balls.
In a word, Fuck.
In a longer word, FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKK!!
I can't not think about things. It's all fine and dandy to "let things happen," but I just can never not think about what could happen. And then I'm left disappointed when it doesn't. I need a time machine to go back to art school when I was in my first year and do it all differently. I think I wasted my early years worrying about how not to waste them instead of wasting them having fun. Now it seems like I'm too old to have fun. Not that 23 is old, but in the surroundings of almost entirely 18 year olds, I'm ancient.
I guess I have to play catch up on life. Finish school, get a job, and be the same kind of miserable everyone else is. Maybe then I can change it from the inside.
In a longer word, FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKK!!
I can't not think about things. It's all fine and dandy to "let things happen," but I just can never not think about what could happen. And then I'm left disappointed when it doesn't. I need a time machine to go back to art school when I was in my first year and do it all differently. I think I wasted my early years worrying about how not to waste them instead of wasting them having fun. Now it seems like I'm too old to have fun. Not that 23 is old, but in the surroundings of almost entirely 18 year olds, I'm ancient.
I guess I have to play catch up on life. Finish school, get a job, and be the same kind of miserable everyone else is. Maybe then I can change it from the inside.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Facebook: The Social Radar System
I've started to notice the total absence of sociability on the Facebooks. It has started to become a weird combination of two things:
I'm not saying that I'm an advocate for keeping connected with Facebook. If I was I'd be Facebooking all the time and making lots of comments and plans and keeping in touch with all the people from way back when like we always say we will but never actually do. Now I'm finding myself, however, having to keep my head down on the old Facebooks. I suppose it has happened a few times in the past, but it's just an odd feeling. I don't know what is wierder, feeling like I have to keep off the grid or wanting to be on the grid.
For those of you who remember the disasterous Jenn-Charlotte situation, I contemplated quiting the Facebook then. I'm starting to think that it's a not bad idea. Granted, it is a way for people to inform me of things that are happening and for me to look at what other people are up to, but maybe it's time to step up the sociability and kick the network out of this social network. If I want to know how someone is, I should have to try some form of active communication to find out, rather than reconstruct a plausible timeline based on cross referencing photos, comments, and statuses between a number of friends and even friends of friends...
Then again, part of me really likes that. It's like playing Detective. Social Detective. Only like an 8 year old because you don't want to talk to people.
Playing make-believe is fun.
- a training blog
- a voluntary low-end spy system
I'm not saying that I'm an advocate for keeping connected with Facebook. If I was I'd be Facebooking all the time and making lots of comments and plans and keeping in touch with all the people from way back when like we always say we will but never actually do. Now I'm finding myself, however, having to keep my head down on the old Facebooks. I suppose it has happened a few times in the past, but it's just an odd feeling. I don't know what is wierder, feeling like I have to keep off the grid or wanting to be on the grid.
For those of you who remember the disasterous Jenn-Charlotte situation, I contemplated quiting the Facebook then. I'm starting to think that it's a not bad idea. Granted, it is a way for people to inform me of things that are happening and for me to look at what other people are up to, but maybe it's time to step up the sociability and kick the network out of this social network. If I want to know how someone is, I should have to try some form of active communication to find out, rather than reconstruct a plausible timeline based on cross referencing photos, comments, and statuses between a number of friends and even friends of friends...
Then again, part of me really likes that. It's like playing Detective. Social Detective. Only like an 8 year old because you don't want to talk to people.
Playing make-believe is fun.
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